


Finding Me, Finding You

by mean_whale



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Voldemort, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst, Bisexual James Potter, Blow Jobs, Casual Sex, Coming Out, Drinking, Drunk Sex, Friendship, Happy Ending, Internalized Homophobia, Kissing, M/M, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Miscommunication, Reconciliation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-09
Updated: 2020-09-09
Packaged: 2021-03-07 02:28:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 24,017
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26379589
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mean_whale/pseuds/mean_whale
Summary: James has a one-night stand with Remus.In the morning, he realises what a big mistake he has made.
Relationships: James Potter/Original Character(s), Remus Lupin/James Potter
Comments: 16
Kudos: 110





	Finding Me, Finding You

“Remus.”

Remus turned to look at James as he approached. James should have known that he would find Remus in the darkest corner of the club, hiding away and watching other people. But there was a silly smile on Remus’s face, so it couldn’t have been all bad, even though, James supposed, it was probably boring to be a gay man in a club where everyone else was straight.

“Having a good time?” James asked.

Remus smiled sweetly and nodded, looking up at James’s face. James smiled at him too, wondering if he could entice Remus to the dancefloor. Remus leaned closer. He looked like he had something he wanted to say. James waited. Remus leaned even closer.

James nearly dropped his glass when Remus abruptly kissed him. Remus was holding a glass in one hand, but the hand that was not occupied, was already cupping James’s cheek, fingers pressing into his hair, fingertips massaging his scalp.

James had never thought about kissing Remus. He had never really thought about kissing men in the first place, even though he had fooled around with a few. But this was Remus, this was different because it was Remus, but also it wasn’t different at all. They might have been old friends, but what did it matter in the end if they both wanted it?

James had hardly even decided that he wanted to kiss Remus before he was already kissing back. Remus’s mouth was soft and pliable, his lips were sticky with alcohol and James licked over them to determine what Remus had been drinking.

He hadn’t gotten there yet when Remus opened his mouth, James’s tongue sinking past Remus’s lips, and Remus was a good kisser. James forgot to worry about the fact that they were in a room full of people who might see, he forgot everything that wasn’t Remus’s various body parts pressing against his person. He wrapped his arm around Remus’s waist to pull him closer. Remus was hard, and he was hard against James’s thigh, and James needed to get rid of his glass so he could touch Remus with both hands.

“We should,” he said, pausing to press a wet kiss on Remus’s lips, “take this,” a kiss, “somewhere,” a kiss, “more private.”

Remus groaned into their next kiss, pressing his entire body against James, then pulled back. His lips were shining with saliva, eyes focused on James’s face, and he looked surprisingly sober for someone whose entire mouth tasted like alcohol.

Was it James’s own mouth that tasted so much like alcohol?

Remus took a hold of James’s hand and started pulling him out of their dark corner towards a doorway, and James hastily left his glass on a table they passed. They walked out of the room, and James was startled by how much fresher the air felt in the next one. He hadn’t noticed how stuffy and hot it had been, but then again, he had been dancing, so his body was stuffy and hot.

“Let’s go to my place,” James murmured into Remus’s hair, delighted when it caused Remus to shiver.

“Let’s,” Remus said, and started pulling James forward with more determination.

They made their way out surprisingly efficiently, then headed towards a back alley that they could hopefully use to Disapparate. James didn’t stop to think if either of them was sober enough to Apparate, which they probably weren’t.

They didn’t care. Remus pulled James into a kiss and Apparated them straight to James’s doorstep.

“Risky,” James mumbled into the kiss, hoping that none of his neighbours had heard them.

Hoping that none of his neighbours caught him snogging a man in the corridor.

“Wait,” he said and turned towards his door, trying his hardest to fit the key into the lock quickly.

Remus laughed, when the key kept slipping away. Remus’s laughter was always a gift, James thought. Remus should laugh more often. Remus reached out his arm from behind James and took a hold of James’s hand, guiding the key to the lock and unlocking the door.

Remus’s chest was pressed against James’s back, it was warm, and then Remus shifted closer and James could feel that he was still hard.

They stumbled into the flat and James slammed the door shut behind them, lips finding Remus’s face. James didn’t really care where he was kissing Remus for as long as he was kissing him. He hadn’t planned on taking someone home tonight, but now that he had someone eager for sex, he wanted it all. He didn’t want to be separate from Remus, he wanted to feel him closer.

A part of him was curious about Remus, about seeing his body from up close, seeing a side of him that Remus had never shown any of his friends. He wondered how many people had seen that side of Remus to begin with. Remus was such a good kisser that he must have had practice, but that didn’t mean that he had the same amount of sexual experience.

Then James wasn’t thinking anything, because Remus’s hands were grabbing his arse and it felt good, it felt good, and he pressed his growing erection against Remus’s hip.

“Top or bottom?” Remus asked between kisses.

“Do you have a preference?” James asked as he started guiding them towards the bedroom.

Remus threw his head back when James attached his lips to his neck, the skin soft and warm.

“Bottom,” Remus gasped as James worked small sucks over the length of Remus’s neck, up to the base of his ear.

“I can work with that.”

James sucked Remus’s earlobe into his mouth, and the moan Remus let out was the filthiest thing James had ever heard.

They pulled off each other’s shirts before stumbling onto the bed. James hadn’t turned on the lights, but the curtains were open, and the way the yellow light of a streetlamp illuminated the room made Remus’s skin look golden.

James ran his hands over Remus’s torso. He noticed a flash of apprehension on Remus’s eyes and thought that it must have been the scars. He wondered if someone had commented on them or if it was just Remus’s personal dislike of his scars, knowing where they came from.

But he had seen Remus’s scars before, back at Hogwarts when it was normal for them to walk in on each other in the showers, or after full moons when they wanted to make sure that Remus’s transformation had gone smoothly enough and that he hadn’t injured himself dangerously.

James had seen Remus in the nude many times, yet never had he thought much of it. It was just Remus, just Remus’s body, and it didn’t matter to him because Remus the person mattered the most.

And here he was, hands mapping all of Remus, fingers stopping to tease his sensitive nipples. Remus didn’t have much hair on his chest, and James wondered if he was always going to have such sparse hair or if more would come later.

His lips descended upon Remus’s skin, and he trailed over it, over Remus's erect nipples, past his ribs and down to his abs that were surprisingly prominent. Remus sunk his fingers into James’s hair, his hold tightening as James’s mouth wandered lower. Remus groaned when James dipped his tongue in his navel, then licked his way down Remus’s happy trail.

James opened Remus’s jeans and mouthed at Remus’s cock through the fabric of his pants. He hadn’t planned on putting his mouth there, he had only ever given one blowjob and didn’t plan on teasing Remus by implying he was about to give one now, but there was something he really liked about Remus’s fingers grabbing his hair harder as he breathed over the cock that desperately wanted to be freed from its confinements.

With his free hand, Remus pushed down his jeans and pants, wiggling his hips to get the clothes off. James helped him by pulling them down to Remus’s thighs, Remus’s erection springing up as it was released.

Remus had a nice cock, James thought and licked over the length of it. Remus let go of his hair and James whined at the loss, triggering a chuckle from Remus, who then gently took off his glasses and placed them on the nightstand.

James waited until Remus’s fingers were in his hair again before lapping at the cock in front of him, holding it still with his hand to thoroughly wet the head. Carefully, he took it in his mouth, the pre-come bitter on his tongue, Remus’s sigh of pleasure spurring him on. He felt clumsy, lips and tongue not quite co-operating, teeth getting in the way, but Remus seemed to be enjoying himself, his hold of James’s hair tightening, then loosening when he presumably realised that he wasn’t supposed to pull on it.

James almost wanted Remus to pull.

Having a cock in his mouth was still rather a new experience to James, but he found that he liked it more than he remembered. Remus wasn’t offensively big, but James thought that he was still bigger than the previous cock he had sucked. He would have expected that to make it more difficult and, therefore, less pleasant, but he found himself getting lost in the act, slurping his way up to the tip before gradually going down again, hoping that each time he would manage just a bit more, just a bit more, because there was a part of him that really wanted to take Remus all the way down his throat so he could bury his nose in the coarse hair at the base.

He never got that far, because after a while, Remus pulled him off by his hair, the sting in his scalp sending shivers all the way down to his cock.

“James,” Remus said, voice breathy and somewhat slurred.

James climbed up to Remus and pulled him into a kiss, letting Remus push his tongue into his mouth and sucking on it like it was Remus’s cock, thinking that Remus could taste himself on his lips. Remus’s hands were touching him, soft fingers sliding over his skin, down to his hips, and James groaned when Remus started opening his trousers.

“Remus,” he gasped when Remus’s hand slipped down the front of his pants, fingers wrapping firmly around his erection.

James hurriedly pushed his trousers and pants down, his hips thrusting up to Remus’s hand, and he moaned, thinking about Remus wanting James to fuck him, thinking about how he was going to get to see Remus spread his legs, and his fingers would softly enter Remus’s hole to stretch it. His cock twitched in Remus’s hand.

Remus let go and pushed on James’s trousers that were tangled around his knees.

“Off,” he said, sounding petulant, and James had never thought Remus Lupin could look so cute and sexy simultaneously.

Well, he had never thought that Remus could look sexy in the first place, but he wasn’t sure if it was because he had thought it was a quality Remus didn’t possess or simply the fact that he had never thought of Remus in any sexual capacity. Had he been asked, he would have said that Remus was cute, but in his mind, cute and sexy rarely intertwined. There was certain purity in cuteness, and there was certain purity in Remus, but now that Remus was kicking off his jeans, his erection bobbing against his stomach, James could see how immensely sexual he was.

James hurried to get rid of his own clothes, then rummaged the drawer of his nightstand for a bottle of lube. He sat back and kissed Remus on the mouth.

“Still okay bottoming?” he asked.

Remus nodded, his hands already chasing James’s cheeks, fingertips brushing skin and hair, and James wanted to surrender but he also wanted to fuck. With a cheeky smile, he surged forward, pressed a rather harsh kiss on Remus’s lips, and then pulled away.

“Lie down,” he said.

“Which way?” Remus asked, although he was already settling onto his back.

“Whichever you prefer,” James said.

Remus remained on his back.

James couldn’t help himself when Remus eagerly spread his legs, so he kissed his way up Remus’s inner thigh, the skin soft under his lips, only marred by a single small scar that extended to the front of his thigh, where it was thicker. He sucked on the skin, each of Remus’s small sighs and grunts making his cock throb with need.

He nosed the sensitive spot at the top of Remus’s thigh, Remus’s sac pressed against his cheek, and suddenly he wanted to eat Remus out.

He had never done that to anyone, had only ever had it done to him, and truthfully, he had been perfectly okay with that.

What was it about Remus that made him want to do things he didn’t normally think about doing? Was it just the fact that he didn’t normally consider Remus sexual in any way, shape, or form, so seeing him now in a sexual setting was also making him want to try out other things he had never considered doing?

He backed away, squeezed lube over his fingers, and pressed his fingertips to Remus’s crack. Remus sighed and spread his legs wider, pulling his cheeks apart with his hands, and wasn’t that just the dirtiest thing ever. James rubbed the lube around the sweet pucker, the pink skin that looked completely untouched, but Remus must have done it before, must have had sex with someone to know that he wanted to bottom.

James wondered who it had been, and the tip of his finger pressed inside, the tight muscle opening up for him and pulling him in. Remus moaned and James let his finger sink all the way inside. Remus was hot and soft to the touch, and James had to take a moment to prevent himself from coming and ending it all too abruptly, before Remus got what he wanted and before James got what he wanted too.

He teased a second finger inside, drinking in Remus’s encouraging whines. He curved his fingers and searched until he found the spot that made Remus throw his head back and moan loudly at the ceiling.

“Fuck, James,” Remus said and raised his head to properly look at James.

James wished he could see better, he wanted to see each detail of Remus’s face, each minute shift in Remus's eyes as he kept rubbing over his prostate.

“More,” Remus moaned and dropped his head on the pillows again.

“Should I use a third finger?” James asked.

“No, no, please,” Remus said hurriedly, panting as his hips twitched.

“Okay,” James said.

He pulled his fingers out. Remus pushed his hips down to follow them and James laughed.

“So impatient,” he said.

Remus only whimpered. James smiled at him and coated his cock with lube, positioning the head to Remus’s entrance that was glistening, the tight tiny hole just waiting, twitching in anticipation, and James rubbed his cock over it, teasing a drawn-out whine from Remus.

“So impatient,” James repeated fondly, then pushed in.

Remus moaned loudly when the head of James’s cock breached him, the tight heat forcing James to stop and hold still, overwhelmed for a moment. He slowly inched forward, cock pressing steadily into Remus’s body that was opening up beautifully for him. Remus was holding onto the backs of his own thighs, fingers digging into the flesh, his nails leaving behind crescent shapes, and James wanted Remus to press his fingernails against James’s back instead.

Once he was all the way in, James lifted Remus’s legs onto his shoulders. Remus moved his hands to James’s thighs, fingertips clawing at his skin, but he was careful not to use his nails.

James looked down at Remus and rolled his hips slowly, softly, still getting used to the tight heat of Remus’s body surrounding him. Remus’s lips were parted and from them poured a series of quiet groans. James was regretting Remus’s legs on his shoulders because it meant that he could not kiss Remus.

He had, with some people, made them bend until they could kiss, no matter which limb was trying to stop them, but there was something about Remus that seemed so fragile: his skinny frame covered with scars, his sparse chest hair but bushy pubic hair, his legs moderately hairy and trembling on either side of James’s head.

James fucked him slowly, only managing to keep their position for a little while until he wanted more, so he let Remus’s legs drop to the crooks of his elbows and bent forward to catch Remus’s lips with his own, their open mouths sharing breaths.

Remus’s hips met each of James’s thrusts, his tongue tipping past James’s lips, and James moaned, rubbing his own tongue against it.

The sex wasn’t the fucking that James had expected it to be. He had thought that Remus would turn his back to James and get on his hands and knees, spread his legs, and James would fuck him like that, chest pressed against Remus’s sweaty back and a hand fumbling under Remus for his cock.

Instead, his chest was pressed against Remus’s sweaty chest, their nipples catching together every now and then, and pearls of sweat were appearing over Remus’s upper lip. James licked them off. He let go of Remus’s legs to cup his cheeks and grasp at his hair. Remus wrapped his legs around James’s waist, heels digging into James’s back.

Remus had been holding on to the sheets, but he now wrapped his arms around James’s shoulders, warm hands swiping over the sheen of sweat that had collected on James’s shoulder blades, fingers digging into his hair again, and James had not expected them to end up like that, all pressed together, wrapped around each other as they licked at each other’s tongues and James continued to softly fuck Remus. He could feel Remus’s hard cock between their bellies.

The last time James had had sex like this, he had been in a steady relationship. One-night stands never wanted soft and clingy, they wanted sexy and often filthy. Although, it could be that that’s what James usually wanted so he sought out the people who wanted it too.

Now that he and Remus were entangled in each other’s bodies, he wondered if maybe he should also occasionally look for people who wanted something softer and slower.

Remus was eagerly meeting each of James’s thrusts, and it didn’t take long for James to reach his peak. He groaned, hips speeding up, forehead pressed against the pillow and Remus’s mouth right against his ear, Remus’s breathy moans and encouragements right against his ear, Remus’s lips brushing right against his ear.

“Fuck,” he grunted, pressing his cock as deep as it would go, Remus’s walls fluttering around him as he came, his seed spurting deep, deep, right into Remus’s core, and all of Remus was clinging to him.

James came to a halt, panting heavily, but he didn’t allow himself to rest. He pulled out, making Remus groan, then pushed a hand between them and took Remus in a clumsy hold, Remus’s cock hot and heavy and wet in his hand. The angle was awkward, but Remus wouldn’t let go of him, Remus was rolling his hips up to James’s hand, so James did his best.

Usually, he preferred women, and while he had slept with a few men, he hadn’t paid much mind to what their cocks looked like – never mind what they felt like. But he was now deeply aware of the way Remus felt in his hand, how he felt right in James’s hand. James wanted to shift and take his time, he wanted to see if Remus’s cock looked like it fit into James’s palm as much as it felt like it did, but Remus was still clinging to him, his hold only tightening as his moans grew louder.

James lifted his head to look at Remus right before Remus came. Remus’s cheeks were flushed, his forehead was sweaty, and swirls of his hair clung to it. His lips were parted but his eyes were closed.

“Jamie,” Remus whimpered, hips jerking and cock pulsing in James’s hand.

Remus looked utterly blissed out, his eyelashes trembling, and he threw his head back, exposing the long lines of his neck, and James couldn’t resist getting a taste of it. He licked over the skin, feeling the tremors of Remus’s groans under his tongue, and he finished with a nip on Remus’s earlobe.

They lay there, James’s hand still between their bodies, holding Remus’s spent cock, and Remus was still holding onto him, but his limbs seemed to be gradually loosening.

Once Remus’s breaths had slowed down to their normal rhythm, he finally let go, legs slumping heavily onto the bed as he stretched his arms before settling them down on the bed as well. James rolled off to the side and wondered if he wanted to spend energy going to the bathroom or just use a cleaning charm.

Remus rolled onto his side to look at James. Remus’s eyes were shadowed by his eyelashes, and his blush had mostly receded. He blinked slowly, and James wondered if it was tiredness or satisfaction.

“So good,” Remus muttered, words slurring together slightly.

“Yeah,” James said and smiled. “You were really good.”

Remus’s smile was slower but brighter. James leaned forward to capture his lips in a gentle kiss. Remus kissed him back, but his lips quickly went slack, his breaths deepening, and when James pulled back, Remus was fast asleep, his cheek squished against the pillow.

Quietly, James got up and went to the loo to sufficiently clean himself up. He brought back a wet flannel to wipe Remus’s skin clean. He threw the flannel onto the floor, pulled the blanket over both of them, and went to sleep, arms subconsciously seeking out Remus’s warmth.

*

James woke up to a finger gently stroking his cheek.

He didn’t immediately open his eyes, just lay there and let his cheek be stroked.

It felt odd. Of course, he had been with Remus rather than some nameless person whose face he forgot the moment they left, but still, he hadn’t expected to wake up not only to someone still in his bed but also to being touched so softly, legs intertwined and bodies lying close enough for him to feel Remus’s body heat.

He opened his eyes, and immediately knew that the night before had been a mistake.

There was a soppy look on Remus’s face, his eyes glistening in the sunlight, his lips curved in a small smile, but James knew, James knew that Remus hadn’t wanted a one-time thing, Remus hadn’t wanted just a quick fuck – or a slow fuck, in this case. No, it was absolutely clear to James right at that moment, that Remus had wanted more, and James had somehow led him to believe there was more on offer.

Quickly, James tried to cast his thoughts back to the previous night, what had been said, what had been done. Remus hadn’t said much, but neither had James. They hadn’t talked, they had just jumped into it, and it was all coming to bite James in the arse now, first thing in the morning.

“What time is it?” he asked, trying to stall the inevitable.

He couldn’t believe he hadn’t realised it.

Now that he thought about it, the way Remus had acted had been a big clue, but James had been buzzed enough not to think too hard on why Remus had wanted to kiss him when he could have found someone else, why Remus wanted to hold onto him so much as they made love – no, not made love. In James’s mind they had a nice fuck, but Remus looked like he had been making sweet, sweet love.

“Just past noon,” Remus said.

No hint of a hangover, so Remus couldn’t have been too drunk, just drunk enough to let go of his inhibitions, probably.

Remus smiled, and his eyes dropped to James’s lips. When Remus started leaning closer, James closed his eyes and groaned. He buried his face into the pillow and sighed heavily, then turned his head and opened his eyes to look at Remus again. There was a faint frown on Remus’s face.

“Hangover?” Remus asked softly.

James nodded. He was simultaneously too afraid to look Remus in the eye and too afraid to look away.

He didn’t want to be the person to break Remus’s heart.

“I’m,” he said uncertainly, stopping to swallow, and he knew that Remus could read the truth in his eyes just as well as he could read the truth in Remus’s. “I don’t remember much about last night.”

Remus’s face fell, his eyes searching James’s for a moment before looking away.

“Right, yeah,” Remus said and bit his lip and closed his eyes and he looked too vulnerable.

“Sorry,” James said, then hoped that he hadn’t said it, because it felt like an admission of guilt.

Remus looked like he was in pain, even though he managed to keep his face fairly impassive. It must have been something about the way his eyelids trembled, how his cheeks were turning red, and James wasn’t sure if Remus felt more humiliated because he knew that James had lied or less humiliated than if James had outright told him that a mistake had been made.

And then, Remus opened his eyes and looked at James as if nothing had ever been wrong.

“I’m sorry,” he said. “I don’t think I realised you were quite that drunk.”

“No,” James hurried to say, shaking his head, knowing that it immediately made it obvious he hadn’t drunk enough to forget because his hangover was imaginary. “No, you shouldn’t apologise. You did nothing wrong. Don’t think that.”

Remus looked dissatisfied, but it was hard to tell whether it was because he didn’t agree with James on the ethics of drunk sex or because James had just broken his heart.

“Right,” Remus said.

He pulled his legs away from James and something cold spread over James’s intestines. Remus rolled on his back, then sat up. His back was to James now, his shoulders narrow and his scars standing out much more in daylight than they had at night.

“I’ll take a shower, if that’s okay,” Remus said uncertainly.

“It’s fine,” James said, and he felt like someone was strangling him.

Remus stood up and made his way to the bathroom. James could see stains of his own semen on Remus’s buttocks, and he had never felt so guilty over having fucked someone. The guilt was gnawing on his insides and he rolled onto his stomach, pressing his face against the pillow, and that was a mistake because it smelled like Remus.

He heard the water running and wondered if he should continue pretending that he was horribly hungover. He had wanted to spare Remus from the humiliation of being told that he had given more of himself than James wanted to receive, but James was no longer sure if he had really made the right choice there.

Maybe he should have taken a hold of Remus’s hand and told him that he was flattered but he had been operating under the impression that Remus only wanted one night, and that was all that James had been willing to give him.

Maybe not in those words, but it didn’t matter anymore, the lie had been told, and while they both knew it was a lie, it made things seem just a bit more straightforward. They were spared the awkward conversation; they could simply put it behind them and move on without having to feel like everything had changed. Mistakes were made, but if they could blame it on the alcohol, it would be easier to bear.

The guilt was a monster gnawing on his guts, so he got up, got dressed in a set of pyjamas that was conveniently lying around, and went to get breakfast started. Remus deserved a proper breakfast, and James was disappointed to realise that he didn’t have anywhere near everything he needed for a full English. Instead, he fried eggs with juicy strips of bacon, prepared toast and strong tea, and when Remus showed up, shower-fresh and dressed, James had set the table ready for him.

“I made breakfast,” James said, when Remus merely stood in the doorway.

Remus turned to look at James bemusedly, before taking a hesitant step towards the table. James gestured towards a chair and waited until Remus was sitting. Remus started eating slowly, eyes focused on his food. His shirt was wrinkled after a night on the floor.

“Aren’t you going to eat?” Remus asked, not looking at James, but somehow James felt that Remus could still see him.

James glanced back to the kitchen where his own breakfast was still waiting. He hadn’t had time to bring it out to the dining table yet. He looked at Remus whose head was turned down, so what James mostly saw was his hair, his cheekbones, and his nose. The tips of Remus’s ears were red.

“I’ve already eaten,” James said, the words tumbling out of his mouth before he had fully decided to say them.

He didn’t think he could have eaten anyway; the guilt was turning his stomach.

“I’ll take a shower,” James said.

“Oh,” Remus said so quietly that James thought he hadn’t been meant to hear it at all. “Okay.”

James flashed Remus a bright fake smile, even though Remus still had his head turned down so he couldn’t see. James turned on his heels and strode away, and he didn’t stop before he had locked the bathroom door behind himself.

James looked at the bathroom, so clearly recently used by someone other than himself. Remus had hung his used towel up to dry.

James tore his eyes away from it. He threw his pyjamas onto the wet floor and stepped into the shower, letting the water wash away his shame, at least for a moment, at least for just one moment.

James washed his body meticulously, moving slowly to buy some time, but then he wondered if maybe he was trying to wash away any reminder of how Remus had touched him, how he had touched Remus, how their bodies had been one just hours earlier.

He wondered if maybe he had been a bit more drunk than he had thought because why else would he have ever thought it a good idea to have sex with one of his best friends?

He didn’t know how long he stayed in the shower, but his fingers were pruned when he finally stepped out. He dried himself slowly, each crease of skin, spending a lot of time trying to get his hair completely dry with just a towel. His eyes zeroed in on the pyjamas he had thrown on the floor, and he belatedly realised that they were now wet, so he would have to get out of the bathroom in only a towel.

When James finally came out of the bathroom, the flat was quiet. He couldn’t hear a thing, so, against his better judgement, he headed back to the kitchen, taking a peek at the dining table in the living room. Remus wasn’t there. The table was cleared out, the plates and cups washed up and in the cupboard. There was a preservation charm on James’s breakfast to keep it warm.

James blinked.

“Remus?”

There was no answer. James wandered into the bedroom and got dressed in the first set of clothes he could find. He sat down at the dining table with his breakfast.

He was washing his plate when he heard a noise from the living room. As he went to investigate, he was greeted by Sirius’s head in the fireplace.

“There you are, Prongs,” Sirius said in greeting. “No hangover?”

“A bit,” James said, uncertain why he felt the need to lie to Sirius. “You look like a mess.”

“Thanks,” Sirius said drily. “Do you know where Remus is?”

James’s heart skipped a beat.

“Well,” he said slowly, “we left together.”

“Did he go straight home?” Sirius asked.

“No,” James said, still slowly, unsure of how much he could reveal without revealing all. “He spent the night here.”

“Oh, good,” Sirius said. “Was he completely sloshed? I think every time I saw him, he had a different drink in hand.”

James thought that Sirius must have been thinking of his own drinks because Remus had most definitely not been very drunk at all. Remus had also provably not been hungover that morning, and James knew that Remus’s hangovers could be brutal.

“He seemed okay,” James said.

“Is he still there?” Sirius asked.

“No, he’s not,” James said. “Why are you even asking me? Shouldn’t you just reach out to him directly?”

“Oh, I was trying to,” Sirius said. “He wasn’t home.”

James didn’t want to ask why Sirius had gone to Remus’s place when he looked like he had just rolled out of bed and was yet to consume a hangover cure, because the answer was undoubtedly going to be a long rambling absurd monologue that would leave James with more questions rather than answers.

“Well,” James said, “he left a while ago. He should be home. I’d assume he would go straight home.”

“So, he didn’t say he was going elsewhere?” Sirius asked.

“No.”

Sirius frowned.

“I guess I’ll just have to try again later,” he said. “You know what, James. Wizarding ways of communication are very inconvenient. I think the Muggles are onto something with their telly-phones.”

“Probably,” James said, wishing that Sirius would leave him alone so he could worry in peace.

“Hey, do you want to go out for dinner tonight?” Sirius asked.

James fought not to frown in annoyance.

“No, I don’t think so,” he said. “I think I just want a quiet night at home.”

“All right,” Sirius said, suddenly sounding surprisingly chirpy. “Talk to you later!”

And with that, Sirius’s head disappeared. James rolled his eyes and sat down on the sofa.

Remus wasn’t home yet?

Granted, he didn’t know when Remus had left exactly. Remus had finished eating his breakfast, then taken a moment to wash up, but that didn’t take long if he used magic. James didn’t know how long he had taken in the shower. He didn’t even know what time it was.

He sighed and slumped backwards.

If Sirius had Apparated home straight from Remus’s flat and if James was the first person he contacted, it couldn’t have been that long since Sirius had been looking for Remus. How likely was it that Remus hadn’t made it home in the time it took James to drown himself in the shower and then scrub his skin raw with his towel?

James didn’t want to think about the glaringly obvious options, but he couldn’t help it. Had Remus gone somewhere other than home to air out his hurt? Or had Remus gone home but was unwilling to answer the door?

James’s heart hurt when he thought about how bad he would have felt if he had slept with someone he liked a lot, thinking that he finally had a chance to become more than friends, only then to realise that there had been a misunderstanding and he was, in fact, still firmly a friend, only he had placed his heart into someone’s hands and couldn’t take it back.

He thought about how shitty he would feel to realise that he had only been a one-night stand to someone he had thought wanted more.

How much did Remus regret it? James had hoped to spare him from humiliation, but could anyone really do that? The humiliation lay in the fact that they had slept together, both of them under the illusion that what they did meant the same thing to the other, while it really didn’t.

James spent a long time sitting on the sofa before dragging himself into the bedroom. He threw himself onto the bed.

The sheets smelled like Remus and sex.

*

James didn’t see Remus at all for nearly two weeks. It seemed that Remus was conveniently busy every time they were all supposed to spend time together but had no plans when James couldn’t make it. James knew from what Sirius and Peter had told him, that Remus had been spending time with them just as usual. It didn’t take a genius to figure out that something odd was going on.

“Hey, James,” Sirius asked him one Wednesday night when they were drinking together in Sirius’s flat. “Did you and Remus have a fight or something?”

James took a long slow sip of his wine in order to avoid answering the question for as long as he possibly could without looking like he was trying to avoid it.

“What makes you think that?” he asked, licking a drop of wine from his upper lip. “We haven’t fought.”

Sirius squinted at him. James wished that Sirius had waited to get a bit more drunk before bringing it up.

“It’s just that,” Sirius said carefully, “I’ve noticed how the two of you seem to miss each other every time we try to get together.”

“Really?” James asked and took a bigger sip of his wine. “I haven’t noticed.”

Sirius pulled a face at that but didn’t comment. He only brought it up again later, when he was on the verge of passing out, words slurring heavily together.

“I think Remus is sad,” he said. “But he won’t tell me why.”

“Oh,” was all James knew to say.

He instantly wished that he had drunk more so he could forget ever hearing it. Why had he thought it a good idea to control his drinking?

“Maybe he misses you,” Sirius mumbled, and the next thing to come out of his mouth was a snore.

James sat on the floor next to the sofa, not even entirely sure how he had ended up sitting on the floor, but it was hard and cold, and Sirius smelled like a mixture of alcohols and James remembered kissing Remus’s alcohol stained lips.

James leaned his head against Sirius’s arm and thought about how much quieter and emptier it seemed when Remus wasn’t around. It surprised him, because he and Sirius were the loud ones, they were immediately noticeable. Peter wasn’t as loud, he didn’t demand attention in the same way, but he did have the same energy James and Sirius did.

Remus, on the other hand, was calm. Not exactly quiet, but calm, and his calm energy didn’t seem like the kind of energy that would take up space.

But it did.

James noticed that Remus wasn’t around. The rest of them might have talked just as much as they usually did, but without Remus there to talk with them, the dynamic seemed drastically different. Remus also wasn’t there to point out flaws in thought-processes, he wasn’t there to question the things that had always seemed straightforward to James and Sirius, and he wasn’t there to make sure that James and Sirius shut up every once in a while and let other people have space too.

James thought that Peter might have not stayed their friend for such a long time if Remus hadn’t been there to contain the high energy James and Sirius put out.

James missed Remus, and it had only been a couple of weeks. How much longer would Remus avoid him? Was he going to continue until he got over his crush? How long would that take?

James had no idea how long Remus had had feelings for him. If it was a long time, surely it would take him a long time to get over it. And it must have been a long time, because James didn’t think that Remus would have acted on it if he was at all uncertain about his feelings. And, considering Remus’s personality, he had weighed the pros and cons extensively, deliberated his feelings and James’s feelings and the probabilities of James either already feeling the same or having the potential to catch feelings.

He shouldn’t have kissed Remus back. He shouldn’t have taken Remus home with him, but how was he supposed to know that Remus wanted them to be together when Remus had never said anything? Remus had never given even the slightest hint that he wanted a relationship with James, and he had continued not saying anything when they snogged, when they went home together, when they undressed each other and got into bed.

James felt like he was good at reading Remus, but he also always felt like there was a layer of Remus he couldn’t quite reach. He knew Remus closely, understood his different expressions and what he really meant when he said certain vague things, he could gauge how hurt Remus was from the way he said, “I’m fine, really.”

If he hadn’t been tipsy, he could have told from the way Remus looked at him, but he had been tipsy, and he hadn’t realised, and he had made a big mess, hadn’t he?

He thought about Remus’s soft smile when he had opened his eyes in the morning, the way Remus had touched him with so much care, how Remus so lovingly looked at him, and he felt sick with guilt because he had taken all that away from Remus with a single poorly told lie.

He felt sick knowing that Remus had slept with him because he thought that James loved him as something more than a friend.

He felt sick knowing that he hadn’t stopped to think, and he felt like he had violated Remus because he hadn’t made sure.

He wondered if Remus felt like that too. Did Remus feel like James had taken advantage of him? Was Remus hiding because he was not only embarrassed but also scared of facing James?

James wanted to talk to him. He wanted to go to Remus and ask him, “How much do you hurt and is all of it my fault?”

Of course, Remus would never tell him honestly. Remus would look at him with a sweet innocent smile and say, “I’m fine, really.”

James could not stop thinking about Remus. His thoughts were all over the place, different points of his days taking him to different places that reminded him of Remus in different ways. Sleeping in his own bed felt like torture because he knew that Remus had felt like they had shared something beautiful there, only to have James shatter it all.

He thought about the way Remus’s smile was always a bit crooked, how his eyes glittered in the sunshine and how his curly hair bounced when he walked determinedly to the library. He thought about how Remus used to be taller than him before they returned to school for their fifth year and James was suddenly taller, how Remus had blinked before a smile took over his face.

Had he already had a crush on James back then?

James hoped not, if just for the fact that it must have been unbearable for anyone to have a crush on him when all he could talk about was Lily Evans.

Also, it would mean that Remus had had feelings for him for nearly a decade and getting over a crush that had gone on for that long would take time. Plenty of time. Such a long time that maybe Remus would completely drift away, and James would never see him again.

He thought about Remus when he woke up, thought about Remus when he went grocery shopping. He thought about Remus every time he still struggled with Muggle things, when he sat at a café, when he walked past a book store or a library or a museum, and he wondered how Remus could even want him when it seemed to him that he had never really tried to share Remus’s interests.

Had they only become friends because they shared a dorm and had to live together for seven years?

And he knew that the answer was no, because if they had nothing in common, their friendship would have fallen apart during the first year out of Hogwarts. Remus wasn’t all books and quiet study sessions. He was also genius pranks that were never pinned on any of them, he was devious smiles before revealing that he had sneaked in alcohol to the dorm, he was funny stories and prickly jokes and gentle smiles and always ready to lend an ear when one of them was having a hard time. He liked music just as much as James did, but not as passionately as Sirius did. He was interested enough in Quidditch to hold an intelligent conversation, and he had only ever missed games when they coincided with the full moon.

What James was getting at, was that Remus had always tried hard to fit in and be accepted, and James had never noticed. He had always taken it for granted, because those things were important to him and he was glad he could share them with all his friends.

But who shared most of Remus’s interests?

He supposed that Peter was as studious as Remus, but that didn’t really count as an interest, did it? Peter studied out of necessity, and now that James thought about it, Remus had been doing the same. Remus’s grades had always been good, but wasn’t that just because he put in the necessary work?

And what had all that effort gotten him? Nothing. He couldn’t hold a job, he was faced with discrimination everywhere he went, and James suddenly understood that what he had seen of Remus’s life so far was what Remus’s life was always going to be; Remus was always going to be a werewolf, and unless the legislation was drastically changed, Remus was never going to have a stable lifestyle unless someone else provided it for him.

James felt shame over each time he had tried to pester Remus to go out with them after Remus had said no. Remus probably couldn’t afford it but didn’t want to say so.

James had never felt as privileged as he did once he realised that Remus genuinely could not afford more than what he had. He kept trying hard, but the jobs he landed didn’t pay well and kicked him out after a month or two. No matter what he did, he would always be stuck, unable to climb out of the prison society had put him in, and James was standing up in the sun with all his inheritance that meant that he could pick and choose what he wanted, he wasn’t in a rush to get a real job because he didn’t need it, and all the while Remus was trying to claw his way up so he could at least glimpse the sun, knowing that he possibly never would.

James thought about Remus when he read the Prophet and breezed past the job ads. He thought about Remus when he sat in a fancy restaurant with Sirius, remembering all the times he and Sirius had tried to invite Remus to go with them, but Remus always said no. James had figured it was because Remus hated when people paid for him, but now he found himself wondering if maybe Remus felt like he didn’t belong there, maybe he had nothing to wear.

Right after Hogwarts, it had been odd to see Remus, because he had mostly given up on wearing robes. He wore stretched-out jumpers and trousers with discoloured knees, he seemed to only own one coat that was too big for him, and James wondered if it had previously belonged to someone else. He had two pairs of shoes: one for summer, one for winter.

James wondered if Remus opted to wearing Muggle clothes in his everyday life so that his robes would stay neater for longer. He wore robes when he went to job interviews or had to visit the Ministry to keep them updated on his plans for the full moons. Not that the plans ever changed. James was sure that the Ministry kept werewolves coming in for something else, something that they didn’t want to say outright.

James had never realised how much of Remus’s life was dictated by the Lycanthropy: all of it. For the rest of the Marauders it was a bit of a laugh, doing something illegal as an adventure, run with a werewolf as an adventure, but in the end, they could return to their comfortable lives and no one would ever suspect that every full moon, they chose to transform into animals and go for a run.

And even if they were found out, what was the worst that could happen? Sirius had just recently inherited the entire Black fortune; he could pay himself off the hook. He would gladly do the same for Peter. James could pay out of his own pocket.

And even then, it was a poor comparison. People weren’t afraid of Animagi. In fact, if someone found out, they would probably be impressed. Becoming an Animagus was difficult: it took a lot of time and effort and skill, and even possessing all three, it could still go wrong or simply not work.

Whenever someone found out that Remus was a werewolf…

The more James thought about Remus, the more he understood that he had never really understood Remus. He had never stopped to think, hadn’t really bothered to do so. But he was thinking now, he was thinking every day, and the more he realised things the bigger his respect for Remus grew. If it was him, he could have never done it. He would have given up years and years before.

Remus, on the other hand, was still trying, always trying, even though he must have known it was hopeless in the current climate.

And the more James understood, the less he understood why Remus had a crush on him at all. Remus could do so much better, should do so much better. He should find someone who would bother to know him without first going through a drunken tryst. James didn’t understand what Remus saw in him, which parts of him Remus had looked at and thought, “That is good, that is what I want to have.”

Remus was amazing in so many ways. He was strong and optimistic, smart, funny, and knew how to make people feel like he was solely interested in what they had to say, no matter what they were talking about. He had a gorgeous smile that made his eyes sparkle, he had boyish good looks, even though James had noticed that he seemed to be aging faster than the rest of them.

But the boyishness didn’t really stem from his looks, did it? It was more about his attitude, how he could appear mischievous and innocent simultaneously, how his dimple only showed up when he smiled in the specific way he always had when they pulled off a prank, how he carried himself in a way that was both uncertain and self-confident.

James had been thinking of Remus every single day for close to a week by the time they finally saw each other again. Sirius had invited James out for lunch, and they ran into Peter, who had apparently invited Remus out for lunch. James was sure that Remus could see just as easily as he did, that it had been planned and set up and they had been tricked into it.

James smiled pleasantly.

“Hello there, Moony,” he said, hoping that his voice didn’t betray the trepidation he felt now that he was facing Remus for the first time after leaving him with breakfast. “It’s been a while, hasn’t it?”

“It sure has, Prongs,” Remus said, and his voice betrayed nothing.

James was somewhat disappointed, but he hadn’t really expected anything else. Remus had always been good at acting stoic while there was a storm inside him.

“What a coincidence!” Sirius continued with his charade. “That we would happen to run into you here!”

“How could this be,” Peter said less enthusiastically, smiling apologetically at James who glared at him half-heartedly.

“Yes, yes,” Remus said. “What a surprise. Are we going to eat, or should I go have lunch at home?”

“We’ll eat!” Sirius hurried to say and took a hold of Remus’s arm.

James was surprised by how that touch made him feel something. He didn’t have time to investigate it, but it felt like a blunt stab somewhere right under his heart. Sirius started dragging Remus towards the restaurant where they had been headed, chattering away, and Peter shrugged at James before following them.

As much as James would have wanted to say that he and Remus didn’t rouse any suspicions during their lunch, he knew neither of them had acted naturally at all. Remus’s smiles were too bright with an edge to them and they didn’t reach his eyes.

James found himself getting distracted looking at the freckles on the bridge of Remus’s nose, then hurried to look away so as not to get caught. They talked around each other, at times at each other, but never to each other.

James tried to remember if he had ever felt as uncomfortable around Remus as he did now. He thought that maybe fifth year got close to it, after Sirius had pulled his absolutely hilarious prank that could have gotten James and Snape killed and Remus in big trouble. They had all sat together, but Remus’s silence had been frosty, and he would only talk in monosyllables and never directed anywhere near Sirius.

“We should do this again soon,” Sirius said when lunch was finished, and James was itching to get out of there because he felt like his skin was too tight on him. “Are you free tomorrow?”

“No,” Remus said immediately. “I have a job interview.”

“Why didn’t you say anything sooner?” Sirius asked excitedly. “Where?”

“It doesn’t matter,” Remus said, and all of them could hear the silent _because I’m not going to get the job, and even if I do, I will lose it within two months._

“This weekend?” Sirius asked. “We should all go out. Have a bit of fun.”

Remus shrugged. James shrugged as well. Peter nodded.

“Good, that’s settled, then,” Sirius said.

Remus left, Peter left, and James was left with Sirius. Sirius was giving him a searching look that he valiantly ignored.

“What’s going on?” Sirius asked, because he obviously couldn’t leave it alone.

“Nothing,” James said. “I think I should head to…”

Sirius waited for a beat, then laughed darkly. “Can’t think of an excuse?”

James bit his lip and stayed silent. They started walking, Sirius following James, which James didn’t usually mind, but at that moment, he minded it a lot.

“Did something happen between you and Remus?” Sirius asked.

“You’ve already asked that,” James said.

“I don’t remember asking, so I must have been drunk,” Sirius said. “It’s not fair if I can’t remember.”

“Well, now you’ll remember when I tell you that nothing’s happened,” James said.

“You were always a bad liar,” Sirius said.

“Not true,” James immediately disagreed. “Remember that time when–”

“Yes, yes,” Sirius said, waving his hand. “All those times you got us out of trouble because you know how to talk. But you’ve always been a crappy liar in my eyes, because I know you. I know all your tells.”

“I don’t have any tells,” James argued.

“You do,” Sirius said. “Why can’t you tell me, Prongs? It must have been something bad for Remus to act like that.”

“Like what?”

“Like he’s trying his hardest not to see you,” Sirius said.

James scoffed at that.

“I mean it,” Sirius said. “It’s like he wants to look at you but thinks that he shouldn’t.”

James shook his head.

“I will find out,” Sirius said. “One way or another, I will find out.”

James doubted it. Sirius was good at figuring out James’s secrets, but Sirius had never figured out that James sometimes slept with men. Sirius had no idea, and Sirius was never going to learn what James had done to Remus.

When he was back at home and sat on the sofa, he realised that seeing Sirius touch Remus so casually had made him envious.

*

They did end up going out together on the weekend. They went to a Muggle club and Remus got absolutely sloshed, much to Sirius’s delight. Sirius led Remus off to the dancefloor, and James lost sight of them. Peter went to talk to a pair of beautiful women, and James remained at the bar, nursing his drink and wanting to go home.

He stumbled outside for some fresh air. The club was too loud and too stuffy, and it made him think of the night that had led him home with Remus. He wondered how long it would take before he stopped associating clubs with having sex with Remus.

“Oh, love, you’re quite wonderful, but you’re a bit too drunk, maybe,” he heard a man say somewhere to his right. “I wouldn’t feel right about it, but I can give you my number. You can call me when you’ve sobered up.”

Someone slurred a response. James turned to look. He saw two figures standing in the shadows, just outside the reach of the streetlamp. One of the figures swayed and the other one hurried to steady… her? Him?

James squinted at the figures. He was almost certain it was two men, and for some reason it made his cheeks heat up. He shouldn’t have been scandalised by two men leaving together, but maybe it had something to do with how it made him think about Remus again.

One of the men turned and a bit of light hit his face before he turned away from it.

“Remus?” James called into the darkness.

The movement stilled, then one of the men stepped forward, still supporting the other.

“Is he with you?” the man asked.

James stepped closer to make sure, and it was, undoubtedly, Remus.

“Ah, yes,” James said, getting even closer. “I wondered where he went.”

The man bit his lip and looked at James uncertainly. He was shorter than Remus.

“Is he… _with you_?” the man asked.

James blinked at him, feeling stupid because he had no idea what it meant. And then it clicked.

“Oh,” he said, then hurried to continue, “oh, no. No. We’re… He’s a friend. I’m a friend.”

“Oh,” the man said, looking relieved, and turned to Remus. “I guess it’s okay to give you my number, then?”

“Uh huh,” Remus managed, trying to lean closer, but the man easily stepped away and transferred Remus from his arms into James’s. Remus slumped against James. “Jamie.”

Remus had only ever called James Jamie once during all the years they had known each other, and the memory brought heat to James’s face and a twitch to his groin. He swallowed heavily, watched the man write his name and number on a piece of paper and fold it into Remus’s pocket.

“Call me, handsome,” the man said quietly to Remus.

Remus gave him a disarming smile in return, and James looked away, pretended that he hadn’t seen or heard anything. The man turned to him next.

“I’m glad he has a friend to take care of him,” he said.

James nodded. Remus swayed, and James wrapped his arm around Remus’s waist to keep him steady.

“Thanks for taking care of him for me,” he said with a forced smile.

The man left. James stood still, his arm around Remus, Remus’s head on James’s shoulder.

Remus said something, but James didn’t understand it. He wondered how Remus had managed to flirt with the man if he was incoherent, but then Remus said, very clearly, “Take me home.”

“Yeah,” James said. “I’ll take you home.”

They started walking, but it quickly became obvious that Remus’s legs were barely holding him up. James hauled him into a taxi and gave the driver his own address.

He painstakingly dragged Remus up to his flat and didn’t stop before he could deposit Remus straight into bed. He took off Remus’s shoes before manoeuvring him fully onto the bed. He took the shoes back to the hall, then returned.

James stood at the doorway, watching Remus, who was muttering something under his breath, having rolled onto his stomach.

“How are you feeling?” James asked.

“Horny,” Remus said.

James bit his cheek. Remus turned his head to look at James, then raised his hand as if trying to reach James.

“Come fuck me,” Remus said.

James shook his head.

“Remus,” he said firmly, “that is a very bad idea on multiple levels.”

“No,” Remus said petulantly, his arm dropping and hanging over the edge of the bed, a small pout on his lips. “It’s the best idea.”

“Remus,” James said, but then said nothing else.

Remus pouted at him for a moment, then rolled onto his back and started taking off his trousers.

“What are you doing?” James asked, unsure if he was more bemused or amused.

“You’ll want me,” Remus mumbled. “Once you see what I have to offer.”

Remus managed to open his fly and pushed his trousers down to his thighs, snagging his pants and pulling them down his hips as well, exposing his pubic hair. James had to admit to himself, that he had been slightly aroused ever since Remus had asked him to take him home, and his arousal was flaring up as Remus wiggled his hips in order to take his trousers completely off.

After a moment, Remus seemed to decide that it didn’t matter if his trousers were only at his knees and proceeded to pull down his pants. James hurried to the bed and took a hold of his wrists.

“Remus,” he said. “No.”

“Please,” Remus said and turned his hips towards James. “I want you.”

“No, Remus,” James said. “You don’t want me. You’ll regret it in the morning.”

“Please,” Remus whined. “I miss you. I want to be with you.”

James sat down on the bed, still holding Remus’s wrists.

“You were trying to go home with someone else,” he pointed out, hoping it would be enough to discourage Remus.

Instead, Remus burst to tears. James was so surprised that he let go of Remus’s wrists. Remus put his hands over his eyes.

“I’m sorry,” he sobbed. “I messed up. I’m sorry.”

“No, Remus,” James said, hoping that his voice didn’t reveal his alarm. “You haven’t done anything wrong.”

“I’m sorry I kissed you,” Remus said.

James had already had his mouth open, ready to convince Remus that he was allowed to go home with any man he wanted for as long as he wasn’t too drunk to make that decision, but Remus had caught him completely off guard with the apology.

“I’m sorry I ruined our friendship,” Remus blubbered. “I’m so stupid.”

It was getting increasingly hard to make out individual words as Remus sobbed.

“Remus,” James said, reaching out and stroking Remus’s hair without thinking too hard about how good or bad an idea it was. “It’s not your fault. I’m at fault too. I should have realised it was a bad idea.”

Remus said something that sounded like _I love you_ , but James refused to believe it was that. It must have been something different. He continued stroking Remus’s hair, no longer understanding what Remus said.

“I’m sorry, Remus,” he said. “I’m so sorry.”

He didn’t know how long he sat there soothing Remus, but Remus eventually drifted off, hands sliding off his face, cheeks and eyelashes wet with tears. James continued stroking his hair until he was certain that Remus wasn’t going to wake up. He then pulled Remus’s pants on properly, and after a moment’s hesitation, pulled off his trousers completely. He turned Remus to lie on his side and covered him with a blanket, then went off to get a drink of water.

Knowing that Remus was sleeping in his bed made the flat seem less hollow. James drank his water slowly, then got a clean glass and filled it. He took the water to the bedroom and set it on the bedside table. He rummaged through the bathroom cabinet and managed to find a small amount of hangover potion. He set it on the table as well.

Then he turned to look at Remus. Most of him was covered by the blanket, but his face was visible. He looked relaxed and unburdened, and only now did James realise how stressed out Remus normally looked.

James sat down on the floor and watched Remus whose lips were parted and hair messy. James leaned closer and noticed that Remus had a couple of grey hairs already.

“I don’t deserve you,” James whispered.

Remus worked so hard every day, worked so hard to make a life for himself, and all James did was drift along with his fancies. Remus and Peter had grown up, but James and Sirius were still acting like teenagers. James didn’t even know what he wanted to do with his life.

He thought about his time in Auror training. He hadn’t realised it back then, but having something to do, something to give his life a structure, had made him feel competent. Then he had quit, and he had felt good about it because he was doing what he felt was right; he didn’t want to have to arrest people for having a curse upon them.

He had always known – although he had never put it into words – that he had quit because of Remus. Without Remus, he would have never known that werewolves could be thoughtful people with sweet smiles and misfortune paving their way. But now that he had lived past his triumph, what was left was just him with no direction.

Remus’s breath smelled strongly of alcohol. It was unusual for him to drink himself into a stupor. He must have been stressed out, and it was all James’s fault. Remus had been keeping his distance, so James hadn’t realised that what bothered Remus was not only that they had made a mistake, but also the fact that Remus felt like they could no longer be friends.

James wondered if they could be friends. Disregarding any complicated feelings Remus had about it, could James go back to being friends with Remus as if nothing had happened? If he knew that Remus no longer worried about it, would it be easier?

He would always have the memory of them having sex together, but that wasn’t supposed to be an issue, was it? Right from the beginning, he had seen it as just them fooling around a bit. Friends could do that, couldn’t they? He would have been fine with it, except then he had realised that Remus felt differently.

If he knew for certain that Remus had gotten over it, he would also be okay. He could easily slip back to their friendship.

Sadly, he knew that Remus was probably never going to get over it. Even if Remus eventually fell out of love with James, he would still remember the mistake and the aftermath.

And Remus wasn’t _in love_ with James. He just had a small crush.

A tiny crush.

James sighed. He rested his head on the bed and wished that he could reach out and pick off all the pain from Remus’s heart. He rested his eyes and imagined himself reaching into Remus’s chest, fingers gathering all shards of hurt and pulling them out.

The next time James became aware of his surroundings, his neck was stiff and his back hurt from his slumped position. He blinked the dregs of sleep off his eyes and raised his head. Remus was still fast asleep. James had no idea what time it was.

Stiffly, James got up from the floor. He was cold. He turned off the lights and headed to the living room, where he threw himself onto the sofa, closed his eyes, and promptly fell back asleep.

*

It was late afternoon, when Remus emerged from the bedroom. His hair was dishevelled and his face looked tired, but his clothes were neat. He looked around somewhat confusedly.

“Good morning,” James said.

Remus turned to look at James.

“I take it you found the hangover cure?” James asked.

Remus nodded. Then he frowned.

“How did I get here?” he asked.

“I brought you here,” James said. “I was going to take you home, but then I wasn’t sure if you’d have proper breakfast things or hangover cure, so I figured I’d better bring you here.”

Remus’s frown deepened but he didn’t say anything.

“You want to eat?” James asked.

Remus looked at him for a long time without a word. James felt unbelievably naked under Remus’s scrutinising gaze.

“What happened last night?” Remus asked.

“Not much,” James said. “What do you remember?”

“I don’t remember much,” Remus said evenly.

James wondered if saying that was Remus’s way of calling him out. The difference, of course, was that Remus had been genuinely drunk enough to have forgotten.

“We went out,” James said. “You got drunk. You tried to go home with some bloke, but he figured you were too drunk, so he just gave you his number.”

“How do you know that?” Remus asked, his frown even deeper and his hand lifting to touch the pocket where James assumed Remus still had a slip of paper with a phone number on it.

“I went out for some air,” James said. “You were out there with him. Anyway, when he figured out that I was your friend, he left you with me and you asked me to take you home. Except, like we already established, I wasn’t sure your home was equipped for someone waking up with a massive hangover.”

Remus looked at James for a moment longer, then turned his head to look towards the kitchen. His cheeks seemed to have been gaining colour, but James couldn’t understand why Remus would feel embarrassed. It must have been something else. Maybe the flat was too warm.

“So,” James said in order to keep the silence from stretching awkwardly, “did you want to eat?”

Remus was still looking towards the kitchen. He nodded but didn’t move from the doorway.

“I’ll get you something,” James said. “Breakfast or lunch?”

Remus shrugged without looking at James.

“Breakfast, then,” James decided, got up, and headed to the kitchen.

Before James had gotten everything necessary out of the cupboards, he heard a door open and close.

“Remus?”

It was quiet. It was very quiet.

James came out of the kitchen and looked into the hall. Remus’s shoes were gone.

*

James absolutely forbade himself from feeling bad. He forbade himself from thinking about Remus, but that led him to going to sleep that night and discovering that his bed still smelled like Remus because he hadn’t thought to change the sheets. He spent the night dreaming about kissing Remus’s face everywhere where he had freckles.

The next morning, James sat with the Prophet open in front of him. He went through each job ad, paying attention to what types of skillsets each position required and imagining what kind of work it would be.

He had always wanted to be an Auror. Becoming an Auror had been his only option ever, so all the help he had received in school regarding his future professional life had been about how to become an Auror. Now that it was no longer an option, he didn’t know what to do.

He didn’t know what he wanted. He wanted a purpose, but what could that purpose be?

He contemplated asking Sirius, but then decided it was a bad idea. Sirius had his flying motorcycle and his budding fascination with other Muggle contraptions, but other than that, Sirius just wanted to rebel against the pureblood ideas of his family. He didn’t have a set goal in life, he just went with the flow, and James had often wondered how long it would take before Sirius got bored with it.

He thought about talking to Peter, but he didn’t think that Peter would have much insight to offer either. Peter had always known what he was good at and what he was bad at, and he had made a nice stable career in publishing. James wasn’t sure what it was he did exactly, but he was sure it wouldn’t be helpful to him.

The one person who could offer sound advice about pretty much any question one could think of, had always been Remus. But James couldn’t ask Remus, because Remus had run away from him while he had had his back turned. He also didn’t like how difficult he felt being around Remus.

There was only one option, but James was reluctant to take it. However, once he had spent three days reading job ads and getting nowhere, he decided to give it a try.

He popped his head into the fireplace, which in turn popped his head into a different fireplace with a view to a neat living room and Marlene McKinnon spread out on the sofa.

“Hello, Marlene,” James said cheerfully.

Marlene yelped and jumped up, staring into the fireplace first in horror, then in annoyance.

“James Potter,” Marlene said, pursing her lips. “What do you want?”

“I’m doing fine, thank you,” James said. “How are you? Still happy with Lily?”

Marlene squinted at him suspiciously.

“Yes, very happy,” she said. “What do you want?”

“I was hoping to talk to Lily,” James said. “Is she around?”

“She’s not going to take you back, you know,” Marlene said.

“I know,” James said and rolled his eyes. “I’m not trying to get her back. I don’t want her back.”

“Ouch,” Lily’s voice said from somewhere where James couldn’t see. Then Lily stepped into view. “Tell me how you really feel.”

“Hello, Lily,” James said with his sweetest smile, which, he had been told, was extremely creepy. “How are you doing on this fine afternoon?”

“I wouldn’t call this an afternoon,” Lily said. “What do you want?”

“You two make a good couple,” James said. “So suspicious.”

“Hurry up, Potter,” Lily said but smiled.

“I wanted to talk to you,” James said, then glanced towards Marlene. “Alone. About. Something.”

Marlene snorted.

“That sounds very trustworthy and not at all weird,” Lily said. “Should I come over or will you come here?”

“I don’t mind either way,” James said, then looked at Marlene in thought. “Although I’m not sure if it’s really safe for me to come over there.”

“You bet it isn’t,” Marlene said, almost managing to keep her laughter at bay.

Lily laughed as well and said, “I’ll come over there in just a minute.”

“Thank you,” James said and smiled delightedly. “I’ll see you soon. Bye, Marlene!”

“Let’s not keep in touch,” Marlene said with a big smile and a wave of her hand.

James pulled out of the Floo and sat down on the sofa to wait. He didn’t need to wait long for the Floo to flare and Lily to step out of it.

“Let’s hear it, then,” Lily said and sat down on the sofa too. “What did you want to talk about?”

“I need some advice,” James said, feeling mildly uncomfortable.

“From me?” Lily asked, her eyebrows disappearing under her fringe. “I thought Remus was the advisor of your group.”

“Very funny,” James said and forced out a laugh.

Lily looked at him for a moment, then, very gently, asked, “Is something going on with Remus?”

James shrugged and said, “That’s not what I wanted to ask you about.”

Lily took a moment to look at him. James squirmed. Then, Lily sighed.

“What did you want to ask?” she asked.

“I,” James said, then cleared his throat, unable to quite look at Lily, “need some career advice.”

Lily’s eyes widened and she let out a startled laugh, slapping a hand over her mouth and taking a moment.

“Sorry,” she said. “I just didn’t expect that. James Potter, are you growing up?”

James shrugged again. His ears were burning with shame.

“Is it because of a girl?” Lily asked in a playful tone and leaned towards James. “How long have you known her? Are you going out already?”

“It’s not for a girl,” James said. Then, without much thought, he added, “It’s for a boy.”

He bit his lips together and glanced at Lily from the corner of his eye. He thought that he had never seen Lily so surprised in all the time they had known each other.

“Right,” Lily then said and sat up straighter. “I obviously didn’t know… But, right. Have you known him for long?”

James shrugged yet again. He didn’t really want to discuss the Remus situation and was starting to regret bringing up even a hint of it.

“Well,” Lily said, “it must be serious if you’ve decided to do something about your life for him.”

James opened his mouth to argue but then closed it. Wasn’t she right? He had only started really thinking about his life and the way he was spending it doing nothing because of Remus.

But that in itself meant nothing. He could have contemplated how much more difficult things were for Remus than they were for him, and that could have been it, but instead, he had decided that he needed to do something to make himself… He needed to become someone with a purpose because…

Had he really decided to change to make himself feel like he would be more worthy of Remus?

But worthy of Remus on what level? Worthy of his friendship? He had never questioned that before. They had been friends since they were 11, and when you were 11, you didn’t have a career path yet. He had never felt like he needed to be anything more just to be friends with Remus.

But he didn’t date men. He didn’t do romantic attachments with men. He only fucked them, sometimes more than once, but it never became anything more. It was always just sex, nothing else, and he didn’t want it to be anything else. He didn’t want to find himself in a relationship with a man and then have to come out to all his friends.

Was that a horrible way of thinking?

Remus had come out to them as gay at the end of their last year at Hogwarts. Now that James thought about it, maybe Remus had strategically waited until the last moment to tell them so that if one of them turned out to be an arse about it, he wouldn’t need to deal with it for longer than a week. However, because he hadn’t waited until the very last night to tell them, it hadn’t appeared like it had been carefully planned.

What other things did Remus plan so carefully? Was all of his life just one plan after another, always cautious about saying the wrong thing, always with a bunch of good explanations to try to fix any issue, thinking so far ahead that Remus probably had the next decade of his life all laid out in front of him, divided into small fractions so they would be more easily manageable, and at this point James lost his train thought.

Remus was always so careful about everything – and in some ways, for a very good reason – but James had never considered that maybe Remus was also always careful with his friends.

It made him sad. Remus should have been able to be fully himself while he was with his best friends. The Marauders were best friends. With them, Remus could openly be a werewolf, but now that James thought about it, he never discussed it. If it was discussed, it was never because Remus started it.

Remus had never talked about his dating life or boyfriends. The only time he had touched that subject was that time in seventh year when he had stared intently at the floor and blurted out, “I don’t like girls. I like boys.”

As far as James knew, Remus had never dated, had never even kissed anyone. But that was just because he didn’t actually know. Remus never told them about anything to do with his romantic life.

Was that also why James had never realised that Remus liked him? Because Remus always kept his feelings hidden anyway? Or had Remus kept quiet because nothing had happened with anyone, and he therefore had nothing to tell?

James felt like it was unfair for Remus, that he couldn’t choose. If he wanted a relationship, he would eventually have to come out to a certain degree. If he wanted to live together with his boyfriend, people would eventually know that they weren’t just two bachelors sharing a flat because it was more convenient and nobody wanted to live alone.

If being gay wasn’t so frowned upon, would James feel more comfortable about the idea of dating a man? Had he only immediately disregarded it because there was a part of him that kept telling him that he shouldn’t be interested? Had he only decided that he didn’t want anything more because it felt like a future inconvenience? Was he compromising his chances of finding true happiness just because he was afraid of what the world would think of him if he dated a man?

“James?”

James blinked and turned to look at Lily. She was pointedly looking at him.

“What are you thinking about?” she asked.

“Do I really want to date Remus, or do I just think so because I miss his friendship?” James asked. “How do I know?”

Lily opened her mouth, then paused, took in a deep breath and let it out slowly.

“Right,” she said. “That’s not exactly career advice, but okay. What do you mean you miss his friendship? Did something happen? Are you not friends anymore?”

James sighed deeply and slumped against the sofa.

“I don’t know,” he groaned. “I mean, I do know what happened, but I don’t know what he’s thinking.”

“Well,” Lily said gently, “would you like to tell me a bit more? I’m not Remus, but maybe I could help you figure something out?”

James rolled his head to the side to look at her.

“We were drunk,” he said.

“Oh no,” Lily immediately groaned.

“Yeah,” James continued. “He kissed me, and I figured he wanted some casual fun, so we slept together, and only the next morning I realised that he wanted more. And I… I…”

“What did you do?” Lily asked, her voice far less gentle now.

“Why do you assume it was something I did?” James asked.

Lily raised her eyebrow.

“Fine,” James snapped, then sighed. “I guess it was my fault. I kind of… I realised that he expected something different and I panicked, so I just… I told him I couldn’t remember what happened. He knows that was bullshit. He knows I wasn’t that drunk.”

“James,” Lily sighed. “I’m sorry, but what the fuck? Why didn’t you just talk to him like a normal person?”

“When have I ever done anything sensible?” James asked.

Lily pursed her lips.

“Anyway,” James said. “He left without a word while I was showering. And he’s been avoiding me ever since. Oh, and last Friday, he got trashed, so I brought him here, and in the morning, the moment I turned my back, he just left.”

Lily lifted her hands to her face and massaged her temples.

“You really don’t make things easy, do you?” she asked. “So, I have some questions.”

The next half an hour Lily spent grilling James about every detail of what had happened and what had been said. James did his best to repeat everything as authentically as possible.

Eventually, Lily sat back. She regarded James with inscrutable eyes.

“The only advice I can really give you,” she said, “is to talk to him. You need to apologise to him for being such a jerk.”

James nodded.

“I don’t know if you want to date him or if you just miss him,” she said. “That you need to figure out on your own.”

“I just,” James said and rubbed his eyes with his fists, “don’t date men.”

Lily was quiet for a long time. James turned to look at her.

“Doesn’t that answer your question?” Lily asked. “You don’t date men. So why would you want to date him?”

James frowned and said, “But what if I do want to date him?”

“Then,” Lily said with a small smile, “you need to stop telling yourself that you don’t date men. In case you haven’t noticed, Remus is a man.”

James scoffed.

“Can I get some career advice now?” he asked.

“Sure,” Lily said, and spent the next hour talking to him about some possible avenues.

*

Two days before the full moon, James sent Remus an owl asking if Remus wanted him there. He got back a small piece of parchment with only one word scrawled on it.

_No._

It was exactly what James had expected, but he found that secretly, he had hoped that Remus would ask him to come. The disappointment was difficult to swallow, so James tried his best to put it aside by focusing on what he and Lily had discussed about the opportunities he had to make his future into what he wanted it to be.

The difficulties with that were that he didn’t know what he wanted out of his future, and that he couldn’t really stop thinking about Remus. Every time he thought that he had gotten his thoughts in order, he soon found himself thinking about any random fact about Remus.

Like that one time in seventh year when they had gotten really drunk and Remus couldn’t take it, and James sat in the bathroom with him, stroking his hair as they waited for his nausea to abate.

Or the way Remus’s eyes had gone bright when they had first revealed their Animagi forms to him.

Or simply the way Remus sometimes scratched the tip of his nose when he thought.

James also found himself thinking about the night they had shared. The way sex with Remus had made him feel was different from how he had ever felt with another man, but the more he thought about it, the less certain he was that he had ever really felt as loved and appreciated as he had with Remus. It couldn’t have been true, though, because Remus hadn’t even said anything, he had just kissed and touched and looked, but he hadn’t said anything.

Remus had called him Jamie.

James wondered if that’s what Remus had always called him in his head when he wanked.

James sighed and banged his head against the table.

He threw a handful of Floo powder into the fireplace and stuck his head in.

“Lily,” James said to Lily, who had turned towards the fireplace when his head showed up. “What if I only think I want to date him because I liked the sex?”

Lily opened her mouth, but before she could say anything, Marlene leaned closer to her so James could see that she was in the room as well.

“What’s this?” Marlene asked with a delighted smile on her face. “Is James having a gay revelation? Did you sleep with a man and like it?”

James frowned. Marlene having heard his question wasn’t ideal, but he wasn’t about to let her think he was panicking because Remus was a man.

“I’ve slept with other men,” James said. “I’m not worried about him being a man.”

“Really?” Marlene asked, eyes widening.

“You’ve slept with other men?” Lily asked, eyebrows shooting up.

“Wow, James,” Marlene said, her smile growing. “You are not the man I thought you were.”

“I didn’t realise you thought about me in the first place,” James said.

“Maybe so,” Marlene said. “But I feel like as a fellow gay–”

“Not gay,” James said, but Marlene merely waved her hand.

“Close enough,” she said. “What was it you were asking again?”

James looked at Lily.

“James,” she said. “I think maybe you should be more worried about the thing we discussed the other day.”

James frowned and asked, “What thing?”

Lily glanced pointedly towards Marlene. James didn’t understand what Marlene had to do with their previous discussion.

Marlene tittered and said, “I’ll go get some water.”

James was getting more confused by the minute. Lily watched Marlene go, and turned back to James when Marlene had, presumably, left the room.

“I didn’t want to say it in front of her,” she said, “in case you don’t want her to know who you’re talking about.”

“Oh?” James asked. “I still don’t know what you mean, though.”

“I mean,” Lily said, and she sounded like she wanted to roll her eyes and rub the bridge of her nose and perform a dozen other small gestures of exasperation, “that I think you’re much more likely to think that you want to date him because you miss his friendship. I don’t think you need to worry about it being just the sex.”

“But how do I know?” James asked.

“I think,” Lily said, “especially now that I know you’ve been with other men too, that it’s not the sex. It’s the friendship. Or are you saying that Remus was the absolute best sexual experience you’ve ever had? No one else compares? Haven’t you ever wanted to date a man before just because he was good in bed?”

“Of course I haven’t,” James said.

“There you go, then,” Lily said. “I think it’s the friendship thing. I mean, it’s not necessarily that either. But that’s the more likely option. What I’m trying to say, James, is that you can’t really know unless you either figure out a way to fix your friendship with him or get together with him.”

“He’d never say yes,” James said. “He’s too sensible for that. He’d say I only want him because I miss him.”

“I can’t help you with that,” Lily said.

“I know,” James said. “Thanks anyway.”

He pulled his head out of the Floo before Lily had a chance to say anything else.

*

The next time James saw Remus, was by accident. It had been nearly two weeks since James’s conversation with Lily, and he had finally decided to see if maybe he could become a Healer. He had gone to Diagon Alley for some books and ran into Remus in the Leaky Cauldron. Remus was just stepping out of the Floo as James was making his way towards it.

“Oh, hello,” James said.

Remus took a double take and immediately looked uncomfortable, but at least he wasn’t running away.

“Hullo, James,” Remus said, voice clearly measured to sound perfectly normal. “Buying books?”

Remus nodded towards the books James was still carrying in his arms. James looked down at them and wondered why in Merlin’s name he hadn’t shrunk them and put them in his pocket.

“Yeah,” he said. “I wanted to read a bit about healing.”

Remus raised an inquisitive eyebrow. James wondered if he really wanted to know or if he was just being polite. He hugged the books closer to himself.

“I don’t know,” he said quietly. “I thought maybe I would want to be a Healer.”

Remus blinked at him in surprise.

“Oh,” he said. He scratched the tip of his nose. “I didn’t know you were interested in healing.”

James shrugged and found that he couldn’t quite look Remus in the eye. Standing so close to Remus made him nervous.

“I don’t think even I knew that,” he said. “I guess my life’s been a bit of a mess for a while.”

Remus hummed and nodded before saying, “I guess. I’ll never understand why you dropped out of Auror training at the last minute. You were almost finished.”

James bit his lip and shrugged again. He hated how he felt like saying anything to Remus would be an imposition.

“Well, I’m glad to hear you have something else lined up,” Remus said. “I need to go.”

“Okay,” James said. “I hope you’re doing okay.”

Remus nodded and opened his mouth, but then closed it without saying anything. He crossed his arms.

“Well,” he said.

“Well,” James said.

He wanted to ask Remus not to go, he wanted to ask him how he had been doing and if all that Sirius had been telling him was true. He wanted to sit down with Remus and just exist together, share a meal in silence because sometimes words weren’t needed.

“Bye,” Remus said.

“Bye-bye,” James said, only now finding the courage to directly look at Remus’s face.

Remus had already turned to go. James watched him navigate his way through people to the door that led to Muggle London. James waited until the door had closed behind Remus’s back. Only then did he go home.

He left his books onto the coffee table and went to take off his shoes before dropping down onto the sofa and sighing.

He hadn’t known it was possible to miss someone while standing right next to them.

*

It was the full moon in early October, and James made his way into a forest. He walked among the trees before he felt certain that no one passing by could see him. Then, he transformed into Prongs.

He had missed being Prongs, he had missed it dearly, and he took off into the woods, the world having turned into smells, but there was something missing.

He stopped. He stood there for a long time. The stag didn’t quite understand the source of the deep ache of loneliness he felt.

Slowly, he made his way back to the edge of the forest. He transformed.

He went home.

*

Just like they had done every year since James’s parents had passed away, James and Sirius spent Christmas together. They had a lavish meal that was way too big for two people, and then opened a bottle of gin to share.

“Are you ever going to tell me what happened?” Sirius asked, once they were both sufficiently tipsy.

“What do you mean?” James asked.

“Remus.”

James’s heart did something odd in his chest. It left behind an uneasy feeling, as if someone had dragged something rough over his heart.

“What do you mean Remus?” James asked.

“Why are the two of you no longer friends?”

James shrugged and took a drink. His glass was almost empty again.

“He has a boyfriend now, you know,” Sirius said.

James’s gut dropped. His glass nearly dropped as well, but he managed to save that and only splashed a small amount of alcohol onto his shirt.

“Oh?” he asked, hoping that his voice was even. Or as even as it could be after so many glasses of… what were they drinking again?

“Yeah,” Sirius said and topped up his own drink. “A Muggle named David. A nice chap. I met him just the other day. We went on a double date.”

“Oh,” James said. “That’s nice. How is Dorcas?”

“She’s good,” Sirius said. “But you know who’s not good? You.”

“I’m fine,” James said with a frown and waved his hand, which was, unfortunately, the hand that was holding his glass, meaning that he splashed himself with more alcohol. He looked disapprovingly at the stain on his trousers. “I’m better than fine. I’m a Trainee. I’ll finally have a career.”

Sirius scoffed.

“I know you, James Potter,” he said and leaned forward. “And I know something’s been off since you and Remus stopped talking. So. What happened?”

James tried to shrug the question away, but Sirius only leaned closer, his grey eyes blazing.

“I will keep making you drink,” Sirius said, sounding menacing, “until you’re too drunk not to talk. But then you will also be too drunk to filter out anything unsavoury, so you might want to reconsider withholding information from me now that your thoughts are still somewhat under control.”

“That was an awfully complicated way of putting it,” James said.

“Don’t try to derail this conversation,” Sirius said. “I’ve been watching the two of you dance around each other for months, and I’m tired of it. He won’t talk, but that’s just expected, he’s Remus. You, on the other hand, are never quiet. How many times did I have to hear you talk about Lily, first about how amazing she is and then about the break-up? How many times have I had to sit through you ranting about something that didn’t even matter in the end, you just wanted to talk? So, why won’t you talk to me about this?”

James looked at Sirius and knew that he wasn’t getting out of the conversation without saying something. And he couldn’t lie, because Sirius was very good at reading him, and when he was tipsy, he became an outright bad liar.

“You’re not hounding me about why I’m not spending as much time with Peter as I used to,” James pointed out.

Sirius’s eyes darkened as he said, “Because it doesn’t mean that you’re not talking to each other. He doesn’t avoid talking about you.”

“Remus does?” James asked, surprised by how surprising he found it, and by how much it hurt him.

“He sure does,” Sirius said. “So, what happened? Did you have a fight? Things were said that neither of you meant but you were both too stubborn to apologise? Something easily resolvable, you just need a small nudge to the right direction?”

James sighed. He wished that he hadn’t drunk anything. He should have known that Sirius would try to make him talk.

“Don’t think too much,” Sirius said. “Just come out and say it.”

“I think I’m in love with Remus,” James blurted out.

He felt like his words were reverberating in the air between them. He intensely wished that he could take them back. What had he been thinking?

“Wow,” Sirius said dazedly and sat up straight. “I didn’t think you would literally come out.”

James opened his mouth and the first thing that surged out was a strangled burst of laughter.

“That was a horrible pun,” he said weakly.

“It was too good an opportunity to let it pass,” Sirius said. “But I do apologise for making light of the situation.”

James shrugged and turned away from Sirius. He shouldn’t have told Sirius while they were at his place; he couldn’t escape if he was already at home.

“So,” Sirius said and cleared his throat. “How long?”

“How long what?” James asked, still contemplating how he could possibly get out of the situation.

“Many things, actually,” Sirius said. “How long have you known you like blokes? How long have you been in love with Remus? How much longer were you planning on waiting before telling me?”

James sighed. He leaned forward to place his glass on the coffee table. In his peripheral vision he could see Sirius do the same.

“I realised I liked blokes when I was maybe 13?” he said and rubbed his face with a hand. “I only realised I may have feelings for Remus after I lost him. I was never planning on telling you because I was never planning on falling for a man.”

Sirius was quiet. James didn’t want to look at him, so he looked at the dark window instead. It mirrored the room, and James could see Sirius watching him.

“Why?” Sirius asked.

James shrugged.

“It’s not that I don’t trust you,” he said. “I just… I guess I wasn’t ready for that conversation. And it didn’t seem like it mattered much, because like I said, I didn’t plan on ever falling for a man. There wouldn’t have been need for me to come out if I’m just occasionally sleeping with men.”

“So you’ve been?” Sirius asked. “Sleeping with men? Occasionally?”

James nodded and looked away from the window.

“Huh,” Sirius said.

James heard him shift, but he didn’t want to look.

“I slept with Remus,” he said.

Sirius didn’t say anything.

“I didn’t know he liked me,” James said. “And when I realised, I lied and told him I couldn’t remember what had happened. And he left.”

Sirius sighed. James turned to look at the window and saw Sirius rubbing his forehead.

“And I don’t know if I really am in love with him,” James said. “Maybe I just miss being friends with him.”

Sirius remained quiet. He was still rubbing his forehead.

“So,” James said. “That’s what happened.”

He closed his eyes. He felt Sirius shifting again, maybe getting up from the sofa.

He hadn’t expected Sirius to pull him into a hug. He stiffened, but then melted into it. He turned around in Sirius’s arms and pressed his face against Sirius’s shoulder. Sirius smelled like leather and alcohol.

It was the first time he didn’t force himself not to cry. He let go of all the hurt of making a mistake and losing a friendship that had meant the world to him, the pain of not knowing how to fix things, feeling like his entire life was falling apart little by little because Remus was no longer a part of it, the uncertainty of what he wanted to do with his life, with his future, all of it just a big unknown. He finally released the stress of keeping it all a secret from Sirius, not having anyone to talk to, even though he’d told Lily, but she was his ex, so talking to her about his love life was inherently weird.

Sirius held him as he cried, his arms were steady and his hands soothing, and James cried until he ran out of tears.

“That’s quite a mess you’ve made,” Sirius said, when James had calmed down, washed his face, cleared his glasses, and drank two cups of water. “Why did you lie to him?”

James shrugged.

“I don’t know,” he said. “I guess I thought that way it would be less embarrassing for him, you know. He could just… We wouldn’t need to talk about it.”

“No offence, Prongs,” Sirius said, “but it sounds a bit like you were just hoping you wouldn’t need to have a discussion with him because it made you uncomfortable.”

James sniffed.

“Are the Marauders over for good?” he asked.

“No,” Sirius said softly. “The Marauders will live forever. Or at least for as long as we choose to keep it alive. Why? Are you just being worried or was that your way of telling me to stop calling you Prongs?”

James shrugged.

“Has Remus let you stay with him on full moons?” he asked.

“Yes,” Sirius said and stroked James’s shoulder. “You don’t need to worry about that. He hasn’t been alone.”

“You’re telling me that you haven’t missed even one moon?” James asked in disbelief.

Sirius shrugged and said, “What obligations do I have? I have made sure to be there every time. It’s impossible for Peter to be alone with him, and since – well, neither of you told me, but I’m assuming he told you not to come?”

James nodded.

“So,” Sirius continued, “since you can’t be there, it will have to be me. And I have been there. He’s been fine.”

“Okay,” James said quietly.

They both went silent for a moment. Sirius still had a hand on James’s shoulder. It warmed James’s heart.

“Do you think I might have liked Remus all along?” he asked then. “I was just too busy trying not to be gay to notice?”

“I think you were too busy obsessing over Lily,” Sirius said.

“But was that a part of it too?” James asked. “Did I somehow overcompensate with her so it would distract me from all the boys I fancied?”

“You fancied boys?” Sirius asked. “Back at Hogwarts?”

James shrugged and said, “I guess so. I mean, I have eyes, don’t I? I do notice when I like the way someone looks. And I guess there were a couple of boys and girls that I liked not just for their looks alone, but then there was always Lily.”

“The idealised ruler of your heart,” Sirius said and leaned closer to James.

“Yeah,” James said. “I wonder if we would have worked out if I hadn’t… if I had been less invested in her all those years.”

“Impossible to say,” Sirius said.

James didn’t say anything. Sirius let go of his shoulder to lean against him.

“I don’t think Remus will ever want to be friends with me again,” James said.

Sirius hummed in thought. “You did hurt him quite badly.”

James leaned his head against Sirius’s.

“Could you be friends with someone who did that to you?” he asked. “You thought that she wanted a romantic relationship so you slept with her but then she tells you she can’t remember it happening?”

“James,” Sirius said, “I’m pretty sure that the dynamics of that situation would be very different from you and Remus. First of all, I haven’t been close friends with any girls for over a decade.”

“Well,” James asked, “what if you were Remus and slept with me? And thought that I wanted to date you?”

Sirius groaned and threw his head back, dislodging James’s head. James made a sound in protest.

“James,” Sirius said, “please do never again ask me to imagine having sex with you.”

James chuckled.

“But no,” Sirius said, “I don’t think I would be comfortable being friends with you. Especially because it sounds like you haven’t even apologised.”

“When would I have apologised?” James asked. “He’s been avoiding me.”

“I don’t know,” Sirius said. “Write him a letter?”

James stilled. Sirius groaned.

“James,” he said. “Are you for real? You didn’t think that you could write him a letter?”

James turned his head away.

“It’s too late now,” he said. “He’s already forgotten about me.”

“I don’t think he’s forgotten about you,” Sirius said.

“He’s dating someone,” James pointed out.

“James,” Sirius said softly. “Do you think you can’t date someone and still have feelings for someone else? Obviously, it’s not ideal, and it’s quite unfair to whoever you’re dating, but it’s not impossible.”

James had nothing to say to that.

*

There was a demonstration for the improvement of werewolf rights. It was snowing, and the big clusters of snowflakes falling heavily over everything made it seem surreal.

It was a small group of people. Some of them had visible scars, and James thought that they were probably werewolves themselves, but it was impossible to say if the rest of them were too. He wondered how many people were ready to fight for the rights of others when it meant other people possibly mistaking them to be a part of the group they were advocating for. He wondered how many of the people who had stopped to watch even stopped to think that maybe not all of the demonstrators were werewolves themselves. He wondered why he thought that it mattered so much.

After people started dispersing, James made up his mind and approached a woman who was handing out pamphlets.

“Demand new werewolf laws,” she said, tiredly shoving a pamphlet at James. “Werewolves are people too."

James blinked and looked down at the simple pamphlet.

“Yes,” he said, then looked at the woman. “I was actually wondering if there’s something I could do to help.”

The woman blinked in surprise.

“Is there,” James asked, “some kind of an organisation?”

The woman gestured around her and said, “We are.”

James looked at the people who were still chanting. There was hardly a dozen of them.

“There aren’t more of you?” James asked.

The woman immediately looked defensive.

“There aren’t many people who want to fight for us,” she said.

“I know,” James said. “Believe me, I know.”

She looked at him from head to toe.

“You’re not a werewolf,” she said then.

“No, I’m not,” James said. “But I know someone who is. And I care a lot about him. And I want to do something that would make it possible for him – as well as others like him – to live without being constantly forced into hiding. I don’t like the way werewolves are treated as if they are always dangerous beasts. Most of the time he’s the sweetest person I’ve ever known.”

“Most of the time we are human,” the woman said.

James nodded.

“It’s not fair,” he said, “that my friend can’t take advantage of the education he’s received and become whatever he wants to be. It’s hard to see him get fired from one job after another. Eventually there won’t be any jobs left, and what is he supposed to do then?”

“That sounds like a typical situation for a werewolf,” the woman said.

“And that’s not fair,” James said. “It’s not fair that someone as brilliant as him can’t do anything. That no one will let him. And I can’t even begin to imagine the frustration it must cause, not only to him but to others like him too. I… I dropped out of Auror training when I found out how they wanted us to treat werewolves.” Here James stopped to gauge the woman’s reaction to his words, but she remained stoic. “I couldn’t do it and I felt awful about it and it’s… it’s so wrong. It should change. Your existence shouldn’t be seen as a crime.”

The woman watched him carefully. James felt surprisingly nervous in the same way he had felt during his interview at St. Mungo’s.

“Well,” she said then, “it sounds to me like you’ve given these things some thought. We’d be delighted to have your help.”

A bright smile took over James’s face.

“I’m willing to do anything I can to help,” he said. “Do you need financing? I can help with that too.”

The woman looked surprised, but then proceeded to inform James of their next meeting, which would be taking place the following weekend.

“I’ll be there,” James promised.

The woman couldn’t quite hide her disbelief, but James couldn’t fault her for that. He bade her farewell, promised again that he would be there at the next meeting, and headed back home. Something in him felt incredibly light.

The lightness lasted until later that day when he was having dinner with Sirius.

“Remus broke up with his boyfriend,” Sirius said abruptly.

“Oh,” James said. “I’m sorry.”

Sirius shook his head and said, “I don’t think he is. I think he’s relieved.”

James pondered on that before asking, “Have you ever thought about how difficult everything is for Remus?”

Sirius looked completely befuddled. James felt like laughing.

“What on earth do you mean?” Sirius asked.

“I mean,” James said, “because he’s a werewolf. He can’t find a job that would keep him, so he never has enough money. And not having money causes so many issues just on its own. But focusing on the werewolf thing, how is he supposed to make connections with people, when most of the magical world hates werewolves and Muggles don’t believe they exist? It would be possible for you or me to pretend we’re Muggles and live without magic, but Remus can never stop being a werewolf. How does he explain that if he’s dating a Muggle?”

Sirius was gaping at him, so James went quiet. It took Sirius a moment to collect himself.

“You’ve given that some thought, haven’t you?” he finally managed to say.

James shrugged.

“You’ve never thought about that kind of stuff before,” Sirius said. “You’re either just losing your mind because you miss being friends with Remus or you’re really in love with him.”

James shrugged again.

“Do you think I should try dating a man?” he asked.

Sirius looked like he was just about ready to give up on following James’s erratic train of thought.

“Why?” he asked weakly.

“I’ve never dated a man,” James said. “I’ve hardly even slept with men.”

“Oh? I got the impression that you’ve been out and about quite a lot.”

James frowned.

“How?” he asked. “I don’t believe I ever implied anything like that.”

Sirius sighed and leaned back in his chair. He crossed his arms and looked straight at James.

“Okay,” he said. “How about you clarify it a bit more. When you said you occasionally sleep with men, how many men did you actually mean?”

“Excluding Remus?” James said. “Four.”

Sirius looked like he wanted to sigh, and it took him great effort to suppress it.

“Right,” he said. “Okay. So, a bit different than I thought.”

“How many did you think I meant?” James asked.

“I don’t know,” Sirius cried out, raising his hands. “More than four, that’s for sure. And they were all before Remus?”

“No,” James said. “One of them was after.”

“And they were all one-night stands?” Sirius asked.

“I slept with Andrew a few times,” James said. “But with the others just once.”

“Right,” Sirius said and pressed his hands over his face. He sighed before lowering them again. “Why?”

“Why what?”

“Why were they only one-night stands?” Sirius clarified. “And what do you think makes Remus any different except for the fact that you are friends?”

James bit his lip and pushed his plate out of the way so he could lean his elbows onto the table.

“I think,” he said, “I didn’t want to… I guess I wasn’t quite ready to really admit it to myself. That, you know. That I also like men.”

“Your thought-processes astound me,” Sirius said.

James smirked. “Likewise.”

“So, are you ready now?” Sirius asked. “To admit it?”

“I admitted it to you, didn’t I?” James asked, smirk still in place but feeling forced.

Sirius rubbed his forehead. James watched him think.

“Do you want to try dating a man?” Sirius then asked.

James crossed his hands and rested his chin upon them.

“I think so,” he said.

“Then you should,” Sirius said. “Live your best life. You’re only young once.”

James smiled. He could feel how affectionate it was.

“You’re not out to Pete, are you?” Sirius asked then.

“I’m not,” James said. “I think I prefer it this way.”

Sirius nodded, then hesitated for a moment before asking, “But Remus knows, surely? I mean, you slept with him and all?”

“He didn’t really know,” James said. “He just kissed me, and I kissed back, so. All he knows is that I didn’t put up a fight. And that I did go along quite enthusiastically.”

“Okay,” Sirius said, then thought for a moment. “If you do end up getting a boyfriend, is it okay for me to tell Remus? He doesn’t… I can tell he’s uncomfortable when I talk about you, so I try to keep it to a minimum, but I do sometimes give him small updates.”

“Like you give me about him?”

“Yeah,” Sirius said. “So, is it okay? If you don’t want me to, I can keep my mouth shut.”

James thought. He turned to look at the window. It was already dark outside. It had kept snowing, and there was snow on the windowsill.

“It’s okay,” James said. “You can tell him.”

Sirius nodded.

*

Inspired by his conversation with Sirius, James went out to a Muggle gay bar the following Friday. He wanted to see if he could form some kind of a connection with someone who wasn’t Remus. And that’s how he met Mark.

Mark was around his height but stockier. Seeing his muscles flex made James’s stomach squirm in the pleasantest way. They danced together and snogged like their lives depended on it, but they also talked. Mark was fun, and that’s what made James apprehensive about going home with him. The way Mark’s muscular arms felt around him convinced him to go, however.

The sex was good. It was, in fact, quite amazing. James let Mark top him and they did it face to face, and James couldn’t understand why he had never allowed himself to search for something like it before. It wasn’t slow and sensual like it had been with Remus, but it still felt meaningful.

They continued seeing each other, and it was great, it was exciting, and James thought that he could get used to it. At the same time, he was already starting to feel the strain of trying to keep Mark separate from the magical side of his life.

He was, however, glad when he could tell Sirius that he now had a boyfriend.

It upset him to realise that a boyfriend didn’t stop him from thinking about Remus.

*

James met Remus again on a cold spring day. He was helping with the demonstration by handing out pamphlets to people who didn’t want them and repeated phrases like, “Support werewolf rights,” or, “It’s time to demand more humane werewolf laws.”

He shoved a pamphlet at the next person, looked up, and found himself staring into Remus’s surprised eyes. A wave of warmth and dread washed over him.

“Hi, Remus,” he said and forced out a smile. “Fancy seeing you here. Remember to support better humane werewolf rights.”

He turned and briskly walked away to force his pamphlets on a different group of people, cheeks burning as he thought about how he had stumbled with his words.

*

James broke up with Mark when it became obvious that keeping his wizarding life separate from Mark was impossible without rousing suspicion.

“Are you seeing someone else?” Mark asked one afternoon.

James turned to look at him in surprise and asked, “What? Where did that come from?”

“Are you seeing someone behind my back?” Mark asked. “Please, just be honest. I’m not stupid, James. I have noticed that you’re hiding things from me.”

James look at the way Mark was chewing on his nailbed. He reached out to pull the hand away from Mark’s mouth.

“I’m not seeing someone else,” he said. “I… I do have things I’m hiding from you, but… I can’t… I’m not ready to talk about it.”

He could immediately tell that Mark didn’t believe him. He couldn’t fault him for that. He would have found it hard to believe too, because there was nothing he could say to even hint at what his secrets could be about.

“I’m sorry, James,” Mark said. “I don’t think I can do this anymore.”

James squeezed his hand once before releasing it.

“I understand that,” he said. “I’m sorry. I wish I could be more…”

Mark shook his head.

“I wasn’t cheating on you, though,” James said. “I just have… other things.”

“That’s okay,” Mark said. “I might even be okay with that if my life was at a different point, you know? But I can’t, not right now.”

“That’s okay,” James said. “I’m sorry I couldn’t be what you needed.”

“Likewise,” Mark whispered, and James knew that he still thought that James had most likely been seeing someone else.

*

James met a woman at work. Her name was Julie, and she was a couple of years older. She was working as a Healer at the Janus Thickey Ward. They had fun together, and James was starting to think that they might go somewhere. Then she found out about his werewolf activism.

She wasn’t as tolerant as James needed his partner to be.

*

It had been just over a year since James and Remus had slept together, when they ran into each other again. James had decided to celebrate the start of his summer holiday, and after wandering around Muggle London in search of people who felt good, he ended up in the same gay bar where he had met Mark.

It was odd, that he would end up there, he thought. He had first gone to a regular pub and chatted with a beautiful woman, but something had felt off, and he had slipped out without a word, like a coward. Later in life he would sometimes wonder if it had been destiny that had told him to ditch her and look for something different, because he found Remus.

Remus was dancing, and James recognised him immediately. He was still skinny, his clothes were still just a tad too big on him, and his face was glowing as he danced alone, his curly hair bouncing on top of his head as he moved. It wasn’t the most graceful dancing James had seen, but it was carefree, it was happy, and James couldn’t stop watching.

He emptied his glass, took in a deep breath, and approached the dancefloor. He sidled up to Remus, whose eyes were closed.

“Hi,” he said, leaning closer to be heard over the music.

Remus opened his eyes slowly and looked at him. He didn’t stop dancing, he didn’t pull away or turn around. He hardly even looked surprised.

“Hullo,” he said, voice nearly drowned out by the music.

“Can I get this dance?” James asked.

Remus nodded and shifted closer. James pulled him even closer before releasing him again. Their bodies weren’t quite touching, but he could feel how hot Remus’s was.

They danced together, and eventually Remus placed his hands onto James’s hips. James pressed their chests together and wrapped his arms around Remus’s shoulders, his heart beating nervously.

It felt easy, surprisingly so, for them to dance with their bodies pressed together, for their lips to meet, for their kisses to escalate until they were pulling each other out of there. They didn’t talk on their way to the Leaky, their fingers bumped together between them as they walked.

James was the first through the Floo, and for the half a minute he had to wait for Remus, he panicked, wondering if Remus was going to disappear again.

Remus didn’t disappear; on the contrary, he appeared in James’s living room, and they were kissing again. The alcohol created a gentle buzz in James’s head, and he guided Remus to the bedroom.

“What do you want to do?” James asked as he pulled the T-shirt off Remus.

“I want to top,” Remus said and kissed James.

James opened his mouth for Remus’s tongue, and they stumbled into bed, clothes abandoned on the floor, James’s glasses safely on the nightstand, and James found himself lying on his stomach before Remus pulled his hips up. Remus kissed a trail down his spine, then whispered a charm that James had never heard before, but he quickly understood what it was when Remus’s slick fingers rubbed into his crack and over his hole.

James shivered as Remus teased him, slick fingers circling his entrance, fingertips pressing against it but never slipping in. Remus’s free hand was stroking indiscriminately over different parts of James’s body: his buttocks, sides, ribs, abs, chest, hair.

Remus took a hold of James’s hair when he finally pushed a finger past the tight opening. James was already panting, arching his back and pressing into the touch. Remus quickly added a second finger, and the slight stretch felt good, he wanted to feel it more, and then Remus’s fingers were pressing against his prostate and he moaned loudly, unabashedly enjoying himself.

Remus was quick and efficient, and it didn’t take long before he was positioning his cock against James’s hole, pressing the tip inside slowly. He was holding James’s hips in place, warm hands against James’s skin, strong fingertips pressing into his flesh. His cock was slowly pushing in, stretching James further, and James was moaning, hands fisting into the sheets. Remus’s thumbs rubbed soothing circles on his skin. James was dripping onto the bed. He was so hard that he ached.

Once Remus was fully sheathed, he stopped. He wrapped one arm around James’s chest and pulled him up, his chest pressing firmly against James’s back, lips brushing against the shell of James’s ear, and his breath was hot on James’s skin. James threw his head back, resting it against Remus’s shoulder, and Remus kissed the pulse point on his neck as he started moving.

Remus fucked James slow but hard, holding James against his chest. His free hand was teasing James’s cock, brushing fingertips against it, smearing his pre-come over the length of it, but never quite taking a hold, never quite enough, and all the while he was pressing wet kisses over James’s neck and shoulder.

Remus’s cock felt big and hard inside James, the tip of it brushing against his prostate with each thrust, and James felt like jelly in Remus’s hands; he was leaning heavily against Remus, but Remus didn’t seem bothered at all.

When Remus’s thrusts started speeding up, he took a hold of James’s cock, his warm hand enveloping James, and James didn’t know if he wanted to push into it more than he wanted to press back against Remus’s thrusts. He was moaning continuously, and he couldn’t have stopped even if he had wanted to.

He came in Remus’s hands, body growing taut as he felt like he burst open, a moan like a sob escaping his lips. Remus stroked him through it, his hips never stopping, and he felt bigger inside James now that James’s hole was fluttering around him.

Remus kissed his neck, his cheek, the corner of his lips, his temple. The tip of his nose brushed against James’s skin with each kiss, and slowly he stopped moving, just holding himself inside James, hand still wrapped around James’s cock, but the pressure wasn’t too much; it felt good, safe. Remus kissed his way from James’s face down to his shoulder, then, slowly and carefully, lowered James onto the bed, making sure to keep his cock still buried in deep.

James’s body felt heavy as he lay on the bed. Remus stroked his hair and his back, hands soft and gentle but his cock still hard. Remus rolled his hips slowly.

“Is this okay?” he asked, thrusting softly.

“Yes,” James gasped and nodded.

Remus hummed, shifted a bit, and continued fucking James, his hands wandering over James’s back and down to his arse, squeezing his buttocks before sliding up again. Remus rested against him, sweaty chest against sweaty back, mouth right next to James’s ear.

It didn’t take long for Remus’s groans to grow in volume, his hips starting to stutter.

“Jamie,” he gasped right into James’s ear.

Remus came with a low keening sound, cock twitching inside James, hips pressed as close to James’s buttocks as possible. His hand was tight around James’s shoulder, the other one holding onto James’s hip. He was breathing hard and James loved the way he could feel Remus’s chest expand and constrict against his back.

After Remus’s breathing had calmed down some, he slowly pulled out and settled on the bed next to James. James turned his head to look at him.

Remus smiled tiredly, and it was a beautiful smile, one that James wouldn’t mind seeing every day of his life. One that he _wanted_ to see every day of his life. He lifted a hand and stroked Remus’s cheek, pushed strands of hair off his sweaty forehead, then threw his arm over Remus’s waist and pulled Remus closer to himself.

James’s eyelids were already heavy. Remus leaned closer to kiss him gently, tenderly, whispered a cleaning charm against his lips. James smiled, and it felt slow, just like everything always did right before falling asleep.

“That was nice,” Remus said quietly.

His voice was low and comforting. James’s eyelids were opening more slowly after each blink. Remus pulled a blanket over them.

James fell asleep right after Remus pressed a small kiss to the tip of his nose.

*

James woke up feeling light and warm. One of his arms was around Remus’s waist. He listened to Remus breathe for a moment, basking in the bliss of waking up next to someone he cared deeply about.

James couldn’t help remembering Mark, remembering how they had also woken up together, limbs entangled, and sometimes they had morning sex that was slow and a bit groggy but also absolutely perfect.

Yet, no matter how cherished Mark had made him feel, he had kept thinking about the way Remus had felt next to him, touching him, and it was the first time he truly realised that it wasn’t really about the sex, it wasn’t about the physicality of what they were doing, it was more about their friendship and the connection they shared with each other, knowing each other so completely.

And here he was, lying in bed next to Remus, his body’s pleasant ache reminding him vividly of the night before. What they had done wasn’t much different from what James had done with Mark, but it felt like it was more because he had been with Remus.

James slowly opened his eyes. Remus was watching him.

“Hi,” James said, voice slightly hoarse.

He smiled at Remus but stopped when Remus didn’t smile back.

“What is it?” he asked.

“I don’t remember much about last night,” Remus said.

James’s heart dropped, and suddenly he was wide awake. He didn’t know what to say, so he remained quiet, stomach squirming unpleasantly. He looked at Remus, who was, in turn, looking at him without a word, face completely unreadable.

“I,” James croaked out. “I deserve that.”

Remus looked at him for a moment longer, then something on his face softened.

“You did deserve that,” Remus said.

“Remus,” James said and looked straight at him. “I’m sorry. I was… I guess I didn’t really know it back then, but I was working through some of my own issues, and I took it out on you. And I’m sorry.”

Remus’s jaw went tense, but it was the only sign of him being in any way emotionally invested in the conversation, and when he spoke, his voice was completely unbothered.

“Why?” he asked. “Why did you lie?”

James groaned and closed his eyes for a moment to collect his thoughts. Then he opened his eyes to meet Remus’s gaze again.

“I was scared,” he said. “I was scared that I had hurt you and that you might no longer want to be friends with me. But more than that, I was scared of knowing how much I liked it, and I was absolutely frightened of having to have a conversation with you in case it… because that conversation would have… I wasn’t ready to have it. Because I was scared of liking men.”

There was a slight frown on Remus’s face when he asked, “Then why did you sleep with me? I don’t understand.”

James sighed and shifted, pulling his arm away from Remus. He couldn’t have been certain, but he thought he saw a flash of disappointment in Remus’s eyes.

“I was very good at compartmentalising it,” James said. “I knew I was attracted to men, but I wasn’t really okay with it. But I also… I wanted to know what it’s like, so I had sex with a few men, and that was okay because it didn’t really mean anything, you know? I was just exploring something new, just an experiment, and it wasn’t serious so what does it matter.”

James took a moment to gather his thoughts again. Remus waited quietly.

“Up until last summer,” James continued, “I thought I was perfectly okay with my sexuality. And I was so wrong. It was… You kissed me, and I thought, okay, friends can have sex with each other, it’s not a big deal, why not. But I liked it so much, Remus. It was so different from the few times I’d slept with men before, and it… Then I realised that you had wanted more than just a fuck, and I panicked. Because. Well. It’s obviously a complicated situation just because we were friends, and I didn’t want to lose you as a friend, and I felt like that’s exactly what I had just done. But later I’ve realised that it was also because… because we were already friends, we were already close and you were already so important to me, and then on top of that the sex was great, and all that together meant that there was a chance that it… I was just worried about what it meant for me, I mean…”

James stumbled with his words for a moment, trying to figure out what he really wanted to say. Remus was still quietly watching him.

“If you were a woman,” James said then. “If you were a woman and that was the only thing different in that situation, I would have been okay with it. It’s… There’s still the risk of losing your friendship if we do try dating and it doesn’t work out, but I think I would have been okay with that. I would have been ready to take that risk. It was just that you weren’t a woman.”

James thought there was something sad in Remus’s eyes. He wished that he wasn’t the reason behind it.

“Did you,” Remus asked. “You had already slept with men before me? I wasn’t the first one?”

“No, you weren’t the first,” James said. “I didn’t have much experience, but I did have some.”

Remus nodded, looking thoughtful.

“I just,” James said. “I wasn’t okay with myself. And I needed to… I needed to do a lot of thinking and figure out who I want to be and… And I needed to figure out why it was maybe not good for me to try to suppress my sexuality like that. And I think I remained uncertain about it until I told Sirius.”

“When did you tell him?” Remus asked quietly.

“Last Christmas,” James said. “He was pestering me about you again, asking me what had happened, and I just… I guess I couldn’t hold it in anymore, you know, because I didn’t really have anyone to talk to. I mean, I talked to Lily a bit, but…”

“That must feel odd,” Remus said. “Although I guess she would be exactly the right person to answer your questions. Is she still dating Marlene?”

“Yeah,” James said. “They’re happy as ever. I think they’re going to stay together. But yes, talking to her about my love life, or lack thereof, was just too weird so I didn’t really… I asked her a few things but… But she helped a lot. She made me question my ‘I don’t date men’ policy. And it was good that I questioned it.”

Remus hummed softly and said, “I remember Sirius mentioning you had a boyfriend?”

“I did,” James said. “He was a Muggle. It… it didn’t work out because he thought I was cheating on him.”

“Why?” Remus asked.

James snorted and said, “Because he could tell I was hiding things from him. But how do you convince someone you’re not cheating on them if you can’t tell them that what you’re really hiding is that you’re a wizard?”

“Oh,” came Remus’s soft response.

“He was good for me, though,” James said. “He helped me understand things and… He did help me accept myself more.”

“That’s good,” Remus said.

James hummed in agreement and took a moment to take in Remus’s face. The morning sunlight – although it was probably closer to afternoon sunlight – was illuminating his eyes, and all features of his face were so achingly familiar: his big nose, his pink lips, the freckles that always got more visible during summer, his long eyelashes.

“I’m sorry, Remus,” James said. “I’m sorry I lied just to get out of talking to you.”

“It wasn’t all your fault, James,” Remus said with a sad smile. “I should have talked to you too. I should have… I shouldn’t have kissed you without asking you. Or at least I shouldn’t have jumped into bed with you without making sure that we wanted the same thing.”

“You don’t need to apologise,” James said. “You already have.”

Remus frowned at that.

“That time you were very drunk,” James said, “and I took you to my place, remember? You apologised to me. You were very upset about it all.”

“Oh,” Remus said and blinked. “Well. I’m still sorry for…”

“I guess,” James said before Remus could continue apologising, “we were both drunk enough to forget about common sense.”

Remus gave him another sad smile, then finally looked away from James, eyes taking in the room around them.

“Is that a Healer’s robe?” he asked.

James glanced over his shoulder at the lime green robe that he had taken off the previous day and left onto the back of his chair.

“It is,” he said. “I’m a Trainee.”

Remus nodded.

“So,” he said slowly, “you’re really going to be a Healer?”

“I guess so,” James said and smiled shyly. “I want to specialise in healing werewolves.”

He bit his lip nervously. Remus was outright staring at him.

“I didn’t think that was a specialty they have,” Remus said after a moment.

“Well,” James said, averting his eyes. “It’s not. But it could be. It should be.”

Remus’s mouth was open, but he seemed unable to form words.

“I think,” James said, “werewolves should have access to Healers who not only accept their condition but also understand it. Just, drawing from my experience with watching you, I’ve noticed that healing works a bit differently. So, it would be beneficial for there to be specialists who could do it. I mean… I mean, it would be nice if you could just go to St. Mungo’s whenever you need help rather than try to figure it out on your own, right?”

Remus nodded, eyes still wide and lips parted. Then he barked out a surprised laugh.

“I bet they didn’t realise,” he said, “that they were hiring a werewolf activist.”

James smiled.

“They sure didn’t,” he said. “It’s better to surprise them. Make myself indispensable, so once I make some radical suggestions, they can’t just kick me out.”

Remus’s laughter sounded confused.

“I never thought you’d be interested in activism of any kind,” he said. “I was… It was a big surprise seeing you at that demonstration. And that you were actually a part of it and not just… accidentally there.”

“It’s not a completely new thing,” James said.

“How do you mean?” Remus asked.

James took in a deep breath before saying, “I know someone who’s a werewolf. I care about him a lot, and I want his life to be easier.”

Remus looked at him without saying a word.

“I quit Auror training,” James continued, “because they wanted me to arrest werewolves pretty much just for existing. If they haven’t committed a crime, make it up. The important thing is that they’re caught and brought in. Makes it a convenient reason to keep the laws strict, if it appears that most werewolves are criminals.”

“Oh,” Remus whispered.

“I couldn’t do that,” James said. “Not just because of you either, but because it’s not right to anyone. Even if it was someone who had broken the law earlier or was planning on breaking it. If I didn’t catch them doing it, I can’t prove it, and everyone should be innocent until proven guilty. But the Ministry doesn’t want people with high morals. They want people who will do what they say. So I quit.”

“I didn’t know that,” Remus said quietly.

“Of course you didn’t,” James said. “I didn’t tell you. Or anyone else, for that matter.”

“Why?”

James pondered this for a while.

“I’m not sure,” he said. “I guess I was disappointed. I was happy that I had done something that felt right, but I was also disappointed that I couldn’t reach my goal. It was my only set goal in life, and I couldn’t do it.”

“So,” Remus said slowly, “in order to make it seem like you didn’t fail you made it seem like you were just, what? Bored? Taking advantage of being rich and not needing a job? How is that better than admitting that you found out that their rules suck?”

“That is a very good question, Remus,” James said. “I don’t know. I was a different person back then. If it happened now, I would do things differently.”

“You would actually talk to us?” Remus asked.

Remus so clearly alluding to their previous friendship made James’s heart tumble.

“I wouldn’t leave so quietly,” James said and smiled. “I would tell them exactly what I think about their stuffy bigoted attitudes.”

Remus’s lips curved into a bemused smile.

“I can’t believe,” he said slowly, “how much you’ve changed in just a year.”

“Mostly thanks to you,” James said.

“What do you mean?”

“Losing you,” James said, then took a moment swallow the heavy lump that was trying to form in his throat, “made me think about you. A lot. About things that I’d never given any thought to before. And I just… I didn’t even understand why you were ever friends with me. I never tried to… I never really tried to understand you.”

Remus looked, once again, speechless.

“So,” James continued, “I decided it was time to do something. And because I couldn’t get you back, I had to do something about myself. And I did. And I feel… I feel better about myself in so many ways now. I have a career ahead of me, I have something to do with my time, I’m helping to make a difference for a group of people that aren’t heard, and I’m more or less okay with my sexuality.”

“More or less?” Remus repeated quietly.

“I’m sure it could be better,” James said. “I’m still… I’m still worried about what people will say about me, but I’m not letting that stop me, right?”

“I have never stopped worrying about what people will say about me,” Remus said. “It takes so much strength not to care, and I will never have that.”

James hardly even tried to stop himself from reaching out to stroke Remus’s hair. He combed the golden curls with his fingers.

“But you are so strong, Remus,” he said. “You keep going, even when society is doing its best to keep you from advancing. You haven’t given up.”

Remus gave him a wobbly smile, then closed his eyes. He seemed to lean his head towards James’s touch.

For a moment, they were quiet, James stroking Remus’s hair and Remus lying with his eyes closed.

“Do you think Sirius will succeed?” Remus asked then and opened his eyes. “Turning Muggle things into magical things and then marketing them to the wizarding world?”

James smiled as he thought about the monologue he had just listened to on the other day when Sirius was slightly tipsy and very enthusiastic about the possibilities of making telephones a wizarding household item.

“I think he will,” James said. “If there’s anyone who can do that, it’s him.”

Remus snorted and asked, “How many monologues have you had to hear about how great telephones are?”

“So many,” James said and sighed, but the smile was still on his face.

Remus’s hair was soft.

“So,” James said slowly, “what happens now?”

Remus bit his lip.

“Please,” James said, “don’t tell me you want to go back to ignoring me.”

Remus shook his head and said, “No, I don’t want to do that.”

“Oh, thank Merlin,” James sighed. He looked Remus straight in the eye and said, “I’ve missed you so much.”

“I’ve missed you too,” Remus said. “And I would really like to kiss you now, if that’s okay with you.”

“That’s more than okay,” James said.

Remus smiled sweetly, then leaned in and pressed his lips against James’s. James happily kissed back.

They still had a lot to talk about, still many questions to answer, but they could spend a while snogging first.

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was supposed to be a fun light friends to lovers porn with a bit of plot, maximum 8000 words. I'm not sure how it turned into this.
> 
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/mean_whale) \- [my writing list](https://mean-whale.dreamwidth.org/557.html)


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